Monday, 12 March 2007
My Thoughts on Lorne Spicer
I have very mixed feelings about Lorne Spicer - host of such mid-morning televisual feasts as Car Booty and Beat the Bailiffs. On one hand, these are odious programmes where thick poor people try and raise some dosh by selling their worldly possessions, or in the case of BtB they have them taken away so they can see what it is like to not have lots of things they can't afford.
On the other hand it is Lorne's barely hidden contempt for the skraggy thick subjects of the show and their cheap crap possessions that actually makes the show even half worth watching.
The Bailiff programme is particularly funny as all she basically does is repeat herself over and over with words to the effect
"You spend shitloads of money you don't have on utter utter shite. If you didn't feel the need to spend £100000000 on the lottery/woofers for your car/breast implants for your dog/imitation samuri swords off QVC you would be a lot richer and we would not have to send an actor last seen playing a mugger in the Bill to act as a Bailiff and take it all away in a display so lame that you will consider your actions for about a second before taking out several new credit cards the minute we pack up and leave."
I think Lorne thinks she should be on one of those Saturday morning cooking programmes, or making the leap to a guest spot on This Morning, but the powers that be are keeping her down in jobs that make her spend half her life in stinky council houses or in fields at 6am on Saturday mornings.
I think this is probably because she has the dark flashing eyes and small sharp teeth that remind some BBC executive of being mauled by a small Terrier dog as a child. Or they want to keep her away from live television cookery in case she decides to skin and cook Antony Worrall Thompson (the squashed BeeGee - how fantastic) instead of the nice chicken provided.
On the upside she does have a fantastic name AND will be able to earn lots of money David Dickinson style by touring universities and barely hiding her contempt for the pissheads who spill snakebite over her as she attempts to place value on their mobile phones and plastic jewellery.
Speaking of BBC television cookery - ewwwwwwwwww!