Tom Cruise is a twat part 1,2339492048757

‘I grew up wanting to kill Hitler,’ Cruise says of his suitability for the part. (in Valkyere)

‘As a kid I would run around with a pretend gun playing games, acting out the war films we watched on TV. It was like, “Who is going to be the Nazi?” And it was never me. I always wanted to be the one who was going to get them.

Oh rightio, that would make me a shoo-in for George Bush Snr in the upcoming dramatisation of the Gulf War, which as a child I would occasionally attempt to re-enact with my brother.*

And oddly enough, as I was the older bossy one, I was always 'the Americans' while he was left being Saddam Hussein and lying dead on the floor in about five minutes. It's a bit of a stretch to say that 'I grew up wanting to kill Saddam Hussein', though. (The Chuckle Brothers on the other hand...)

I wonder what happened to the kids Tom used to play with who were all 'ooh! Ooh! Can I be the Nazis? Pleeeease?'?*Have I mentioned this already in this blog? I have the sinking feeling I might have done... Father in foreign news? Advance knowledge of world affairs but obviously not so much that I knew about the UN coalition? Well anyway, there you go, it's a nice little story anyhoo...

Photo of the Day - Come on Doreen!

Found in 'The Fairy Grotto' gift shop in Weston Super Mare. It's almost so perfect I don't want to sully it with lame comments like 'ooh guess what the coaster designer's mother is called' or 'not pictured: Ethel, from the Greek meaning grumpy old boot'

But I am bored and can't help myself.

Dip Me in Crazy and Throw me to the Scientologists!

Going on from my earlier post (and last Scientology one for a while I promise) here is a list of some of the questions they apparently ask you during your 'auditing session', which you have to do when you decide to join the Church (you fucking moron, you!) They record all your answers, but for what other reason other than later blackmail, I know not.

Oh, to lighten proceedings and because I am bored, I have included my own hi-larious answers.


Have you ever enslaved a population?
I do own a hamster who is kept in a cage, but there is only one of him and he's always asleep anyway, so it's not exactly slavery per se

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?

I have some Indian rupees, and it is apparently illegal to take them out the country, but as far as I know that's only lead to the economic downfall of the Jaipour region

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

No no, I always get my man

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

Only in the heat of the moment

• Have you ever been a professional critic?

Well my heart's not in it, I'm paying the price of living life to the limit. Cauuuught in the Century's anxiety.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?

The Moths, the Flying-Ants...oh god I just thought of a really rude joke involving male bodily fluids which will not be expanded upon.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?

No! Yes! No! What did Tom Cruise put for this one? Is it a dealbreaker if I say no?

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

No. I got rid of that heedious Ikea flowered duvet ages ago

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

Yes. Pluto. Damn. You got me, you and you trip-me-up questions

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?

A lady never tells.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?

I once tried to watch a pirate copy of Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, but the camcorder fell off the cinema seat at one point and a piece of popcorn on the arm rest loomed large like a dead fly in every shot so I gave up.

• Have you ever been a pimp?

Yes, but it was not a successful venture. There is not a large market for dead girls, as I bet you can attest to, looking back at people's answers to the question before last.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?

Only by accident. Steve gave me this hotdog and was like 'Man you gotta try this hotdog. It's amazing!' so I was like 'okay sure.' so I tried the hotdog and Steve is there grinning at me the whole time so I'm like 'Hey Steve? What's up with you bro?' and he's like 'Dude! That wasn't a hotdog, that was my finger in a bun! Psyche!' And then he like holds up his hand and there's this bloody stump where his middle finger should be and I'm like 'Aww dude! You totally got me that time bro!

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

Well I constantly pick my fingers, which is the equivalent of Kate Moss compulsively scratching her face if you ask me.

• Have you given robots a bad name?

Love? Yes. Robots? No. Not unless you count my phone which I call a 'stupid piece of crap' every so often

• Have you ever set a booby trap?

Yes, I'm using new bait and these extra fine wires, so I expect a bumper haul of boobies this season

• Have you driven anyone insane?

No, as I am unable to park I have not been able to pass my driving test, and so the chance to go to france and plunge myself, my friends and a rental car into a river has not arisen.

• Is anybody looking for you?

Lionel Ritchie. Oh no wait, it's him I'm looking for. You can see it in my eyes.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

Potato.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

Potato

• Have you ever smothered a baby?

In a delicious honey and soy marinade, overnight before barbequeing. Mwah!

• Have you ever castrated anyone?

No, but I like to think that after the glory of me, a man could never ever get aroused by anyone else, which is really the same thing. If it were true.

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?

I deserve this chance more than anybody. I've come on such a personal journey during this survey, ever since my nan stubbed her toe last year I have been in a turmoil, and it has taken this opportunity, this survey, to make me realise that I want this more than anything I've wanted ever before.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

If you asked me, I'd do it all again.. je regrette rien!

• Have you ever zapped anyone?

Define 'zap'. Is it a synonym for 'slowly but repeatedly poked in the eye with a tube of Pringles'? Then no.

"That's great Tom, now fuck off while I watch some good sci fi"

Now I have always hated Tom Cruise for many reasons; the shiteating grin, the vast sense of self importance that seems to radiate from him like a fart smell and the utterly creepy way he has turned Katie Holmes from a slappedarseface teenager in a overrated tv show into an automated Wifebot who looks anywhere between 25 and 60.

But the Scientology? That just took it to a whole new level of contempt. I am not a fan of religion any day, but it doesn't bother me if other people want to faff around kneeling down, chanting and building nice buildings because they think it will make death any less final. That's their problem. I do however care when people try to force their religions on others, and threaten anyone who dares question them. Particularly when their religion is utter bullshit made up by a mad sci fi writer and is not so much 'questionable' as straight out and out 'What. The. Fuck?'

Aaanyway, watching the recent videos of Tom Cruise blabbering on about Scientology with his fart smell of self importance so noxious it's a miracle it didn't knock out the entire production crew, I almost felt sorry for him.
It reminded me of when you babysit a child and instead of playing with their stupid little brother they want to hang out with you and talk about grown up stuff, like how to solve the war in Iraq, when all you want them to do is fuck off so you can watch Heroes.
The furrowed brow and staring eyes, the passionate speech of big words what they heard the man in the suit on the telly say earlier on today. The fact that none of it makes any sense whatsoever and is just a series of repetitive cliches said in different orders, much like :

"It is the time now. Now is the time... Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it, you better know it and if you don’t, go and learn it, but don’t pretend you know it. It’s like we’re here to help."

Twatface.

I would post the video, but the cultish nutbags are pulling them down, left right and centre, and I do so hate it when there is a video or photo on this blog that is no longer available.


The people at this website HERE appear to have a massive axe to grind about Scientology. I can't be bothered to read it all and it seems a bit militant, but they did hilariously point out how much the Scientology salute is reminiscent of Red Dwarf's Arnold Rimmer. So I like.

Take me to the Phillipines so I can do wrong!

I'm sure most of you will have seen that north Korea thing where thousands of little kids do synchronised gymastics and praise communism and whatnot, but never in your life (unless you read dlisted today) will you have seen - or even dreamed of - hundreds of inmates at a Philipino prision doing the Michael Jackson Thriller dance. I wonder how they decided who got to be Michael and who got to be the girl....maybe it's like the top dog and his top bottom, hell, I wonder why on earth they decided to do it at all, and how they convinced so many hardened crims to join in!

Frankly, unless I now see the inmates of Guantanamo Bay doing Hit Me Baby One More Time, this video will officially be Most Random Shit of the Year 2007

EDIT: Having just seen to the end I am infact now convinced that the whole thing was set up as an elaborate ploy to assasinate the ladyboy in the gayest way possible bar actual homosexual activities. And it is still fabulous! If only those Russian spies had tried to assisinate that guy in the london hotel via the medium of TATU 'All the Things She Said' then we would have none of this trouble.

David Miliband - 'Ha great. Yeah you keep on playing silly buggers like something out of a James Bond film. In fact, why not try it to a theme tune next time? May I suggest Live and Let Die? I love a bit of Wings Me'

Putin - 'HEATHEN! We dispise Wings here in the mother country. They will die to manly music like the great Journey or Bruce Springsteen. You female dog English with your love of all music gay and derivative, we lull you into false security with TATU assasination'

Miliband - 'Frankly this will not do. We do not condone the murder of British citizens on British soil for any reason. I am not gay and although Wings did not quite live up to the Beatles in any way shape or form, Live and Let Die was a good song.

Putin - Guns and Roses version?

Miliband - Oh okay, but any Welcome to the Jungle and we extradite your arses.

New Joker from Batman revealed again...

Nah, it's just Sienna Miller looking a bit like the doodlings of a six year old Biche come to life. Pass the felt tips! She doesn't have the two pink circles for cheeks yet!

R.I.P Yeltsin, You Russian Dog, You

You weren't as good as Gobachev, but you were better than Putin and sure as hell could dance a funky chicken

I Shit You Not - Hello Kitty Airways!

Well, actually Eva Air in Singapore have made some Hello Kitty themed planes, I imagine so the MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY RETARDED can go on holiday. Or children, same difference.

Actually what I find most amazing in the care taken with the in-flight food...carrots shaped as Kitty? Something dubious that could be egg shaped as Kitty? Frankly I'm disappointed the meat in the curry isn't shaped into comical feline form! (I like the way in the pic to the right they have laid out every individual Kitty corn snack, it half smacks of Singaporian fastidiousness that they want to show you exactly how many snacks you get, and it half looks like the dinner of an obsessive compulsive paedophile psycho.)










kudos to rojaks for the images

Natasha Bedingfield = Loon

I find Natasha Bedingfield a bit like a jewellery stall at Spitalfields Market - on the outset she seems all fun and sparkly; nice blonde lady singing catchy pop hits that do incredibly well in America etc, but when you actually look at her it's all rubbish tat which is overpriced and breaks after one wear (okay, similie slightly fell apart there..much like my earrings from said market!)

Firstly there is the fact she has large rolling eyes, horse teeth and is a mad Christian who spent her formative years banging a tambourine next to her equally mad Christian brother Daniel as they sang gospel to pissed off latchkey kids in council estates. Whilst I can't really claim to dislike her for this reason (she can't help her face and I'm sure the parents were behind the patronising of disatisfied youth) it does make me a little less enamoured of her...but mainly because I am a fascist atheist who will be smoted and brimstoned and whatever come the day of judgement. My bad.

Secondly, there is the way she has fantastic pop songs marred by the lyrics which appeal to the lowest common denominator of thick braying females, never destined to widen the gene pool because they are too neurotic. Observe:

First single: Single. 'I'm single woooah right now, that's how I wanna be'
So far so Pink, this is quite a fun song to sing in your bedroom when you are getting ready to go out, although never to be sung aloud to outside of said walls, because it is much like singing along to 'You and Your Hand' by Pink; all men will run miles away from you as you angrily stomp around like a bacardi breezer fuelled man-hating dinosaur. You will then wonder why no one is hitting on you and go home and cry to 'All By Myself' just like Bridget Jones taught you.
On a personal level it annoys me because I don't mind being single but do mind being cast into the same catagory as said militant delusionists; I am happy single, but would probably be equally happy not single. No need for an anthem.
Surely the point of being an independant woman is that you don't need to go around shouting at men how you are SINGLE WOOOAH every two seconds because it is evident and accepted and fine.

Second single: These Words. 'From my heart flows IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!!!!!'
A bit of a change of direction for Ms B, she has gone from Pink-lite to sounding as terribly insecure and needy as most people who sing 'Single' really are. It also sounds a bit like having a seizure in Clinton Cards.

Third single: Unwritten'Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open , today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
It might be just me, but this conjours up the image of Ms B standing in Clinton Cards (again), eyes closed in rapture and arms wide open, serenely pissing herself all over the 'Congratualtions on your Exam Results' card section.
In any case, it's rather annoying as I do quite like the sound of this song, but the godawful gospel-lite claptrap lyrics make me feel a little bit dirty, half through the thought of Natasha wetting herself and half because they are far too Oprah for my delicately cynical sensibilites. They have now predictably used this song in a shampoo advert, presumerbly because washing your hair is EMPOWERING and INSPIRATIONAL not just something you do to stop you STINKING of last nights fags and looking like a DECOMPOSING POTPLANT.

Fourth Single: I Bruise Easily.
' I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me, there's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree'
I can sympathise with Natasha here, as I too do bruise easily, but fortunately I have the presence of mind to not go out with people who carve hearts and 'R.G 4 E.B 4 EVAH TRU'. into me.*

*Well, once, but it was only a short alliance and I was only left with 'SPURS F.C carved into my left hip and a rope swing hanging off one shoulder.


Fith Single: I Wanna Have Your Babies'
Well actually I haven't heard it enough to quote but My God! No wonder the girl is single! I mean, I am not an expert by any means, but either singing about how men can bugger off, how you lovelovelovelovelove them, sprouting a load of gospel-bobbins, comparing yourself to a tree or saying you want their babies is not exactly the techniques the Sex and the City girls would use. Or any sentient being come to that.
'I want your babies'? God I don't think I would say that to my husband of ten years if I had one for fear of being immediately stared at, edged away from, divorced, buried up to my neck in sand and pelted with stones by my entire shamed family.... unless he had a packet of jelly babies, which could in fact be what the song is about for all I know.

In Conclusion: Don't listen to Natasha Bedingfield outside the privacy of your own bedroom, never listen to the lyrics and DO NOT follow her dating advice.

Subject Line of Email I Just Recieved...

'Amazon.co.uk recommends Serial Killers: The Methods and Madness of Monsters and more'

Oh whoop-de-do!, one random purchase four years ago and they now have me down as a psycho nut! I must have bought at least ten Shakespeare study guides and studies of Postcolonial discourse off Amazon since then, but noooo! I'm a loony lover!

(in case you were curious, the 'more' was in fact a load of Shakespeare, Kitsune Maison Vol 3, Startling the Flying Fish and Ed Rec Vol 2...I also appear to be erroniously down as a lover of obscure compilation CDs)

Thank god I order the hundred of books on self improvement, faddy diets and ubertrash fiction* on the flatmate's account!

*one book on the G.I diet which I followed for about a week a year ago. What a waste of time. I think it's now levelling a wonky wardrobe far away from my illustrious bookcase.

Incidentally - Apple Cider Vinegar update? Had an old bottle which merely resulted in a rather flatulent night for the flatmate and I, no further effects noticed, apart from my increased ability to swallow ikky tasting fluids, which someone less uptight and reserved than myself might openly consider a bonus.

Person of The Day - Esai Morales

Nope, me neither, but much like woman below is amazing for looking like a 1980's halycon dream, this man gets muchos kudos points for managing to smoulder dangerously whilst dipping cookies into a glass of wine. And being buggered over a couple of kitchen chairs like it is the most natural thing in the world to be doing. Even so, he pulls it off, in a 'I'm an alcoholic comfort eater with a penchance for bumming. Partake?' kind of way.

I would love to meet the photographer who came up with this concept...whatdoesitallmean?!

Photo of the Day - How Better to End the Ranting?

Than a photo of a cat in a sandwich? Aaaaaah bless! He thinks he's a chicken breast! I wonder if this constitutes animal abuse? He does look pretty miffed, but I would with a giant brioche on my head. And I like brioche.

Jesus, I just imagined the sensation of crushing cheese, lettuce and cat head in my mouth. Urg, urg, urg. So much for a reprive from the sickness induced ranting. I need to go lie down.

Person of the Day - New York

Don't you just love how she rocks the 'broken neck and arse for a chest' look? The tampon string adornment is just genius!

New York was a tranny-liscious contestant on 'Flavor of Love' a show where Flavor Flav of Public Enemy put girls through their paces in his search for his ideal woman.

What this actually meant is that Flav and twelve mental fame-hungry ho bags all live in a house together, bitching, sniping and gobbing at each other whilst Flav pretty much gets to shag each of them, shout 'Flavor Flaaaaaav!' really loudly at random intervals and spend the rest of the time sniggering whilst said bitchfighting happens.

New York came second, but stood out from the other girls, not only because she apparently TRULY HONESTLY WITH ALL MAH HEART (much chest pounding and tears)loved the senile rasin that is Flav, but because she openly admitted (all the time) she hated the other girls and shot them looks of death whenever Flav decided he wanted to have a snog/grope their arses/make hideously crude comments which was pretty much most of the time.

I particularly liked it when her Mum visited to meet Flav and turned out to be the most down-to-earth, anti-reality tv woman ever. She also said what the viewers had been thinking all along:

"Honey he is a 46 year old man who wears a giant clock around his neck. It doesn't even have batteries in it. Come on now."

I should actually be making New York's dragon of a Mum POTD, but she would not have been so great had she not given birth to the most deluded, unwittingly hilarious, fame-hungry, fabulously transvestite looking daughter in the world EVAH.

Fucked Up Shit of the Day

Do you remember Jonathan King, the music producer who was jailed for kiddy fiddling a few years ago? Count yourself lucky if you don't because he is an utterly creepy repellant man. Anyway, he has now been released and has somehow slimed his way back into the recording studio to record this abomination where he basically condones and glorifies his EVIL WICKED PAEDO ACTIONS (capitals courtesy of the Daily Mail) and somehow managed to liken his ordeal at being locked up for abusing children to being pursecuted by the Nazis. I believe the choice phrase "pursuading the young that love is wrong" says it all.

Actually I didn't watch to the end, it was too annoying/enraging/assulting on the eardrums, but gold stars to those who do!

Photo of the Day - Sexay Bitches

Oh look, NME needed some more guests so they exhumed the corpses of Kate and Pete.
Seriously, these two used to be the most revered people in their careers - now they are preetty much a complete joke. Did you hear that Pete fed a joint to a pengiun the other day? Or that he had to go to hospital to have a too-tight ring removed? What. A. Fucking. Tool.
As for Kate, the woman is, like, in her mid thirties and has a child. Even Marianne Faithful had started acting her age by then, and she certainly had given up the drug addicted television faced twats!

Photo of the day IV

I wish I could remember the site of this delightful Japanese lady who likes to dress up as that evil corporate clown and travels around the Maccy D's of Tokyo spreading love and trans fats as she goes. If someone could send me the link I would love you. And buy you a Chicken Royal.

Poor the Bald Britney and Bitty Bobo !

Ooh how iconic! Throwing off the shackles of celebrity blah blah blah. Seriously, I think she should go underground, change her name, become a muslim and not be found cold and dead in a pool of vomit with her knickerless torso on view to all in a few weeks time. That would be nice. In other news my hamster, as if sensing the change in Britney's wellbeing also totally flipped out today and shovelled all his bedding to one side of the cage and then ran around like a loony. Poor little mite. Poor little mites. I have since changed his name from Bobo to Iqbalbo in hope that it may stabilise his condition. It worked for Cat Stevens after all.


I really hope this isn't an elaborate hoax, or I will look like a right twat.

xx