Life

It's pretty rare that I read an article that makes me go 'yeeah!' in a inspired fist pump of agreement usually only employed by sports fans and winners of minor rounds of reality shows. This one by Sam Leith in the Guardian today, and his thoughts on working in an open plan office made me do just that. The affection, the bitching, the community...

.. the sad fact that 'you have nothing to lose except your life'

*sigh*

This is my real desk btw. But a while ago, I have added to the gonks since then.

Biche's Book of the Day

.. no, not really. When I stumbled across this I had to pick mine to remember who Lesley Brain was. Thank god for Amazon and their insightful balanced reviewers:

"This is an account of Lesley's time in the Big Brother house last summer and the road that took her there. (Lesley is the grandmother and WI member who calmed down with a strawberry.)
There are lots of laugh-out-loud momentsbut also some sharp insights into the BB experience, including the audition process and what it was like to live with the other contestants (who can forget Ziggy, Chanelle, or Charley?).
Throughout, Lesley draws parallels with the original world of Big Brother in Orwell's "1984". My only complaint is that the 168 pages seemed to fly by, which left this reader wanting a little more. However, the stories are very well told and hopefully we will see a lot more from Lesley in future. Overall, a must read for fans of the show, and plenty for others to enjoy too. "

Well thank YOU, Claire Horton from Surrey. And here I was thinking it was a shameless cash-in from a Big Brother quitter, hypocritically criticising all the other fame hungry wannabees who dared to stick to their guns. And what is she doing on the front cover? Joyfully shelling a pistachio? Reading the smallest joke book in the world? Tearing a tiny person limb from limb in glee?

Much as I like to get on my high horse and ride around dusty Amazon planes, herding reviwers and shouting YEEHAH (oh and I DO) my bookcase is not entirely worthy and Big Brother free...

Look right, my mum had just popped into Waterstones to use the loo and he was there doing a signing and no one was there and she felt sorry for him, yeah?*

But yes, that does mean I not only own a copy but a SIGNED copy.
Why I should just retire now, I'm made.

Edit: I love how it looks like Nick is looking up at Lesley going 'mmm maybe she will drop the pistachio shell my way so I can suck it for sustinence'

*trufax

Indulge Me...

Massive geek that I am, I have been attending a night class in Creative Writing. Whilst things have not gone quite as hoped (that everyone would fall to their knees and proclaim me one of the greatest undiscovered writers of the 21st Century), the teacher is nice, and it's not ALL middle aged women. That said, regardless of age most of them are complete dullards - albeit accomplished ones who seem to have unending ways to describe clouds and skies and trees and shit* . It is good to have an ego kicking reminder that I am utterly crap at spelling and grammar - lord know I forget, being my own editor, publisher and worst enemy - but the public lesson infront of the Weatherfolk is a bit galling.

For example, it took me two days to write the below poem. And, after reading it out to a class of twenty odd people, about a minute to realise that I have a very weak grasp on the concept of syllables.

The Demise of Commerce (and abuse of 9 syllable lines)
by Biche.

Dusty glued plants in a strip lit mall
Scents thick and sweet creep from the Food Hall
Smooth blue cream towers of china rise
Flapping scarlet sale signs sieze the eyes
Shop owners haggle, scowling, degraded
Carved dragons loom large, claws chipped and faded
Gold plastic glints, yet bright in the gloom
But darkness and still come first of June
Oriental City turns into a tomb.

Quite.

*not literally shit

RAMBOOOOOOOOOO

Interesting fact: Steven Berkoff only took the role in Rambo II because when his agent told him about it over the phone he misheard and thought it was a biography of the 19th Century poet.

Who Watches the Watchmen?

Geek that I deep down am (well, scratch the surface really) I was quite excited by these photos of Ozymandias, the Nite Owl and the Comedian from the upcoming film of Alan Moore's Watchmen. I was somehow drawn into a massive long ramble about graphic novels just last week, where I waxed lyical about the complex storylines, the art and the skill at being able to convey a wide range of emotions or a whole backstory in just a frame to some family friends. Unfortunately for all my oratorial olympics, every time I paused for breath they would respond 'oh so they are like cartoons right?' or 'like Garfield?' until I imagined a graphic frame of me howling with frustration, causing the walls to shake, fists clenched and face upturned. It would be from above so you saw my upturned face with gritted teeth and eyes desparing, and I am flanked by the two well meaning family friends, one of whom has taken a Peanuts anthology from the shelf and is gesturing to it as if to say 'like this?' The other one would be wearing a cardigan and holding a mug saying 'Abergavenny Jazz Festival 1999' Don't you wish I could draw huh? Anyway, I really hope Watchmen will be good, Moore's other works that have been filmified range from V for Vendetta (v good) and From Hell (alright, but ruined by some shocking accents but saved by Johnny Depp) to The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (poo, dispite the presence of Stuart Townsend) One thing I wonder is how they are going to film the ending, which has New York being destroyed by a nuclear bomb for a greater good*. Mind you, they did Cloverfield, so I think Hollywood has got over the whole 'thousands of New Yorkers being killed by terrorists seven years ago' thing, those brave resilient Los Angeles producers...









*Well, in a rather large nutshell, but I don't want to ruin the book for people who haven't read it and really really should.

Agent X's Scientology Exclusive

Those of you who have visited this blog before might remember that back in January I posted some of the alleged 'auditing' questions you get asked if you want to become a Scientologist, you damn fool you.

Understandably, as the questions went from the slightly odd ('Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?') to the downright bizarre ('Have you ever given robots a bad name?'), I got a lot of people asking if they were real, or if it was the work of an anti Scientology mafia/hilarious individual.

I have to admit, I don't know.. I really wouldn't put much past a 'religion' that believes we are all descended from aliens, but then I am an atheist who doesn't believe a jewish bloke rose from the dead leaving only a skanky shroud behind him either...

Well anyway you can read my past blog entry HERE and make up your own mind.

Yesterday my friend 'X'* was inspired by my witterings and decided to take an online Scientology test to see what questions they really ask ignorant members of the public (or bored cynical charity workers like X) who log onto their site.

The real questions (well, a choice selection of about fourty) X was asked...

Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

It depends.. is the alternative a Tony Parsons 'novel'?

Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

Duuuuuuuuurrrrnuuuuuuuuurrrrr

Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?

I have to admit I would prefer not to kill small animals, but I could smash up a monopoly set with a live fish any day of the week

Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?

Yes, I really can't think of any logical reason why I would punch Tony Parsons m'lord. It must be me involuntary fist spasms

Is your life a constant struggle for survival?
Why yes, I often compare my daily battle against the forces of boredom, air conditioning and invoices to the struggles of the American settlers on the Oregon Trail in the early1800's

Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?
No, and I find such activities adequate grounds for the London Met's Shoot to Kill policy

Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?I was affronted when X said 'the last one particularly applies to you' - I do do things other than gossip. I once watered the office pot plant.

It's dead now.

*I was going to completely cover her in a shroud of annonymity as the Scientologists are not adverse to hunting down their detractors and faking their suicides, but that would make for rather a dull entry. Therefore I have mastefully hidden her identity, and I just hope they don't instead try and go after S, who dispite sitting next to X on the bus, has never dissed Scientology in her life..which could be why X is giving her a stinkeye. Not that you can see...

Totteridge is For Pussies

Obviously Totteridge is full of WIMPS as no one had got either of these fine videos out the library since 1998. One of the perks of the Flatmate's Saturday job is classy films such as these, plus outrageously underrated and ignored works of literature like 'Russian Fabric Designs of the 19th Century' and '101 Women's Institute Soup Recipies'.

And if you can think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than discussing Moscovite Gingham over a nice bowl of ministrone while the telly blares out the sound of fighter jets in the background, then you sir, are a highly dillusioned individual.

No Chicken Soup for YOU!

Actually that is a complete lie, it turns out there is more than enough Chicken Soup to go round..too much in fact so you end up with titles like this one to the right----->

The 'Adopted Soul'? That sounds like some sort of Voodoo to me, but I guess it is comforting to know that if you were ever possessed by the spirit of a child (of any colour of the rainbow!) that there would be a book for you.

Other wonderful titles in the series include:

Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul - perfect for that cruise holiday!

Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul - so you can make it all tasty before selling it to Simon Cowell

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Children with Special Needs (WHAT a chicken out - pardon the pun - surely it should be 'chicken soup for the 'special' soul')

Chicken Soup for the Survivng Soul - yeah your body is dead, but your non physical self is still floating around in need of warm poultry liquid in written form

Chicken Soup for the Dieter's* Soul - It's the only form of Chicken Soup you can stomach now! (apart from maybe that powdered cuppa soup stuff that tastes like shit)

Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul - calming words and anecdotes not including the one about the wife whose husband was thousands of miles away risking his life in a pointless war and when she next saw him he was be a vegetable and she had to live in poverty for the rest of her life as the government wouldn't pay out.

*sigh* Ooh I feel all warm now.


* Like people on a diet, not a book aimed at a small percentage of the male German population

Sometimes it's just too easy...

Amazon strikes again..

A Breath of Fresh Air, October 25, 2007

By	Greeze (Portland, OR USA) - See all my reviews

A refreshingly simple entry into the cookbook publication industry, this book brings affordable gourmet cooking to the masses by focusing on a single inexpensive and abundant ingredient. It finally answers the nagging question of "how much sugar does it really take to make my food re-edible?" It also teaches us valuable lessons about the beautiful and endless cycle of life.

Truly a breath of fresh air!....

23 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

At long last, October 25, 2007

By	D. Gilbert (Colorado, USA) - See all my reviews

Finally a cook book that tells you how to complete the human digestive process. After your meal has been processed by your body, only waste remains. "Cooking With Pooh" shows you how to take that waste and recycle it into delicious treats. I had no idea that pooh could be used in so many dishes! Every recipe is low in fat although they all taste like crap.

Richard Littlejohn - He writes for the People

The second in an occasional series of amusing amazon.co.uk book reviews. This week:

Littlejohn's Britain: 'a themed collection of pieces that fires broadside at Blair's Britain and the absurdity of petty bureaucracy' - The cover

'the racist xenophobic witterings of a fool' - The Biche
finally someone gets it, 10 May 2007
By
pablo dombrowski "wewillcomebackasfire" (london) - See all my reviewsat last, a man with the visionary skills to realise how dangerous the London Eye is. So many people don't realise that this is an evil eye. Look at the patterns... it's clearly the eye that the freemasons use to signify control. They're laughing at us people, laughing. They're in league with the communists that make up the so-called labour party, and have ACTUEALLY erected this monument to their control, and we like sheep, actually RIDE IN IT. oh, i could weep for the stupidity of humanity. Buy this book AND LEARN THE TURTH before they get you.

the intellect of this man hath no bounds, 12 May 2007
By
Mr. B. B. N. Farrant "natural history fan" (uk) - See all my reviews One is reminded of Orwell, who once said "Every book is a failure." Well Orwell was clearly a fool and had not stumbled upon 'Littlejon's Britain' whilst browsing on Amazon, for no educated man could dare claim this seminal piece of literature a failure. If, as H.G. Wells assures us, that "Good books are the warehouses of ideas" then this book is a vast chasm of a warehouse, overflowing with such a smorgasbord of enlightened ideas that may liberate us from the shackles of contemporary liberal Britain. Oh how i feel complete having read this book, now i truly understand the meaning of Bernard Shaw's musing, "Only in books has mankind known perfect truth, love and beauty." LittleJohn i am indebted to you. hurrah



A new world dawns at the turn of a page., 12 May 2007
By
Mizake - See all my reviewsWith this insightful, visionary, and - I am not ashamed to say - celestially inspirational commentary on modern life, Richard Littlejohn has rendered the entire canon of Western literature, philosophy and ethical discourse entirely moot. On finishing the book - in one sitting, I might add, its compelling majesty renders one utterly incapable of laying it down - I had no choice but to burn each and every one of the other books I own. Such trinkets are simply unnecessary in the face of such brilliance, in this new and glorious era of "Anno Littlejohn". Yes, I cry, cast Hamlet and Macbeth into the fire! Render the Iliad and the Kalevala into dust! Drive away the librarians and book sellers! No other works are necessary; all knowledge and truth is contained herein. Praise you, Sir Richard, and long may your wisdom guide us all.

Thought provoking stuff!, 12 May 2007
By
Mangina Reilly-Hurtz (Misogyny) - See all my reviewsI read this while awaiting clearance in a terminal at London's Heathrow. By the time I turned over the last page I realised Britain was not for me. Thank you Mr Littlejohn. You have saved me from a squalid life living in a small studio flat above yet another Indian Takeaway or Pizza Delivery service. As for the neighbours I would have had according to you. Well it is not worth thinking about. So I asked for the Immigration Service to return me on the earliest flight back to where I came from. I just wouldn't want to live in a country that produced Littlejohn. Plain and simple

Brilliantly exposes the bonkers values of socialist Britain:, 1 Jun 2007
By
Brian Ginnity (Colchester) - See all my reviews
This book exposes the way we are now governed, which is why a lot of socialists can only respond with mockery and insult. It hits home and they can't handle it. It's the old "we're right (by definition) so anybody who doesn't agree with us must mad, bad or both. That's how the old USSR was able to justify locking up it's political opponents in mental hospitals. The book was a funny and merciless description of the self-serving, hypocrital antics of the likes of Prescott, Blair (Mr and Mrs), police chiefs who refuse to fight crime, councils who refuse to collect rubbish and all the other useless so-and-sos who have got us to where we are now.



Oh wait, that last one could be serious... well anyway, you can find all the reviews here

Peter Doherty - he writes for the people

Hilarious amazon reviews of Pete Doherty's latest literary excretion

Shamelessly nicked from Holy Moly, after all my ranting and raging, it is stuff like this that restores my faith in the Great British Public.


"Yeah, right. What a lazy, good-for-nothing scumbag Pete Doherty is. A disgrace to the youth of today. A boy so devoid of charisma, I heard he woke up this morning and saw his name on a loaf of bread but when he looked again he saw it read 'Thick Cut'. "


"The Books of Albion is a harrowing tale, capturing the adventure of a group of noble wood elves and and a cheeky ork as they try to bring down the evil Wizard Of Albion and find themselves in a enchanting journey through mystical lands. Oh hang on, this is the one about that smackhead off the tv, isn't it? "


"what i object to is the worn out and recycled comment that pete doherty fans persist in spewing, namely that he is a 'poet' or a 'genius'. i myself see more 'poetry'and 'genius' in the foul ordure contained in my nephew's nappy each time it is changed. if you can name me one piece of 'genius' that this piddle stained pleb has written, be it song, poem or book i will eat my own head. "