Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Agent X's Scientology Exclusive

Those of you who have visited this blog before might remember that back in January I posted some of the alleged 'auditing' questions you get asked if you want to become a Scientologist, you damn fool you.

Understandably, as the questions went from the slightly odd ('Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?') to the downright bizarre ('Have you ever given robots a bad name?'), I got a lot of people asking if they were real, or if it was the work of an anti Scientology mafia/hilarious individual.

I have to admit, I don't know.. I really wouldn't put much past a 'religion' that believes we are all descended from aliens, but then I am an atheist who doesn't believe a jewish bloke rose from the dead leaving only a skanky shroud behind him either...

Well anyway you can read my past blog entry HERE and make up your own mind.

Yesterday my friend 'X'* was inspired by my witterings and decided to take an online Scientology test to see what questions they really ask ignorant members of the public (or bored cynical charity workers like X) who log onto their site.

The real questions (well, a choice selection of about fourty) X was asked...

Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?
It depends.. is the alternative a Tony Parsons 'novel'?

Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?
I have to admit I would prefer not to kill small animals, but I could smash up a monopoly set with a live fish any day of the week

Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?
Yes, I really can't think of any logical reason why I would punch Tony Parsons m'lord. It must be me involuntary fist spasms

Is your life a constant struggle for survival?
Why yes, I often compare my daily battle against the forces of boredom, air conditioning and invoices to the struggles of the American settlers on the Oregon Trail in the early1800's

Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?
No, and I find such activities adequate grounds for the London Met's Shoot to Kill policy

Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?I was affronted when X said 'the last one particularly applies to you' - I do do things other than gossip. I once watered the office pot plant.

It's dead now.

*I was going to completely cover her in a shroud of annonymity as the Scientologists are not adverse to hunting down their detractors and faking their suicides, but that would make for rather a dull entry. Therefore I have mastefully hidden her identity, and I just hope they don't instead try and go after S, who dispite sitting next to X on the bus, has never dissed Scientology in her life..which could be why X is giving her a stinkeye. Not that you can see...

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