Blogging the Brits 2008

20.01 - Oh look it is a gay, a balloon and a big spider. Hello Mika, hello Brits 2008.
A bit of coolness is wrestled back when Beth Ditto pops up for a duet, but to those who are not wearing their glasses (because they dropped them behind the sofa) it looks like a runner bean duetting with one of those Marks and Spencer gummy pig sweets.

Wow Kelly Osborne looks like a goth Lisa Stansfield, Jack looks like one of those bikers who cook things on telly and Ozzy and Sharon just look the same as they have for the last ten years

20.07 - First joke to fall flat, courtesy of Chris Moyles. A nation is unsuprised.
Take That trounce all those poxy instrument playing bands like Muse and Arctic Monkeys to win Best Live Act. It never fails to astound me how TT always sound like a group of old men piddling away their retirement in a northern pub. They now appear to dress like them too.

20.12 Rihanna and the Klaxons - exciting prospect, amazing strobey set but I can't shake the niggling fear that the Klaxons are always rather crap live. Luckily it is Rihanna, resplendent with a teatowel on her head, that appears to be doing most of the work. Yeah, the actual sound is a bit 'meh' but they look like a Mad Max inspired alien princess and her slaves, so all is not lost.

20.16 Oh GOD, like AIDS in the 1980's Fearne Cotton has reared her ugly head to ruin everyone's fun. I mute her. Thus far the last sixteen minutes would have actually been more enjoyable without sound.

20.23 Apparently Adele has already won the Critic's Choice Award and we are meant to know this. M-to-the-eh, although it is nice to see Will Young again and marvel at his new hairplugs.

20.26 I hope Leona Lewis doesn't win Best British Breakthrough Act, as aside from having to sing live on Loose Women, I don't think she has actually done anything to fuel her huge massive fame as she possesses not so much a team of PR people as a small Roman legion. Oh no, the singing runner bean has won.

20.29 Kylie takes to the stage with a troupe of dancing Quality Street and a bad wig. She is clearly miming, but she has beaten cancer, been cheated on and has a nice smile so all is forgiven.

20.33 Cotton mute again, but I can still see Mika looking slightly contemptuous at whatever it was she said. When Mika looks at you in contempt you know it is time to go and throw yourself into a deep pit of boiling tar.

20.40 Why is Bruce Springsteen nominated for Best Male whatever? Didn't he die ages ago? Good old Kanye: "Someone probably deserves this more than me, but I don't know who they are". Maybe so, but no one rocked hilarious venetian blind inspired sunglasses quite like you dear.

20.43 Modern day Narcissus, Mark Ronson, has won Best UK Male. He probably says something hideously pompous and self congratulatory, but I just gaze at his pretty pretty face. "He looks like he would have been a cute toddler" says the Flatmate dubiously. I think she's just hung up on his rather crap puddingbowl hairstyle though.

20.45 Our takeaway arrives so we get a bit distracted and don't watch the Kaiser Chiefs.

20.59 Kylie wins something and pretends to be all thankful and surprised, like she hasn't won a Brit every year since the dawn of time. The Flatmate and I debate the merits of David Tennant. He is wearing a t shirt like one I had from Gap when I was twelve but I still love him. The flatmate thinks he is 'pathetic' as he is over the age of twenty and wears Converse.

21.00 'A European Bridal catalogue from 1992' takes to the stage and it requires a cast of fifty dancers to make her appear even vaguely interesting. Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Leona Lewis!

21.05 The U2 Award aka Best International Group. They have now won a lifetime award though, so I think they have been put out to pasture, presumably so someone else can win. Indeed it is Foo Fighters who win and will doubtlessly now win for the next ten years.

21.07 Unfortunately PJ Harvey has not yet been able to break the curse of the Best British Female nomination for the fifty-third year in a row as Kate 'modern Pam Aires' Nash wins. She 'fanks' us all.

21.12 The Foo Fighters win something else, but our Cotton Mute went on too long so we missed what the actual award was for. Dave Grohl takes the piss yet still appears like a nice bloke, such is his all encompassing 'Good Guy' aura.

21.14 Puddingbowl Narcissus performs. "So basically all Mark Ronson does is add trumpets to things" the Flatmate observes. The Winehouse comes on! The world (well, the Brit School who are taking up the front six rows) screams for joy. She looks a little bit pale and sweaty and is vaguely reminiscent of Dorien from Birds of a Feather, but she is alive!

21.25 Arctic Monkeys win Best British Group again. They've actually turned up this year and are in costume so have obviously Sold Out.

21.27 Oh, Dorien is performing on her own. Dorien needing the loo to be strictly accurate to Ms Winehouse's dancing skills. I think it must be the nerves and the hooker heels as the lack of slurred words convinces us that she is actually sober...

21.31 ...unlike Alan Carr who is wankered. Take That win Best Single, voted for by the Great British Idiots. I'm not even sure which single it is for; when I was temping over the summer I had to listen to Capital Radio all day every day and they played Take That so much that I now fall down into a foaming mouth fit whenever I hear a snatch of any of their songs. Gnnnnnnrrrrrrrrhhhhhhrrrr.

21.35 Alan Carr leaves the stage to be replaced by an even more sozzled version of himself ten years down the line - It's Vic Reeves! Vic is very very drunk and we could be seeing our moment of controversy. Or not. Arctic Monkeys are equally wankered and take the piss out the Brit School. Perhaps they haven't sold out after all! Lots of random people stagger drunk around the stage, but we are denied this vaguely amusing spectacle and the cameras instead cut to Fearne Cotton trying to obscure a drunk staggering Alan Carr with her tiny frame. Then just as this in turn gets amusing, it cuts to the adverts.

21.41 I think it is only Paul Mc Cartney left to go so the Flatmate puts the washing machine back on and buggers the tv reception.

21.44 They start the Paul Mc Cartney montage with a load of clips of Wings. Clips of Wings! Ha, god I amuse myself sometimes. Anyway, Wings? What are they trying to prove? That Sir Paul was even vaguely cool after 1970? Even clips of his dead first wife won't make that true.
"I really shouldn't watch this, it makes me angry" The Flatmate comments, an hour and forty four minutes too late. I was all set to disagree and argue that she needs to have more irony in her life, but then Paul gets the mandolin out and I have to change the channel. We change back for a second after the Flatmate disputes my claim that it is a mandolin and not a banjo, but I win, and with that we bid farewell for another year to Britain's Third Best Awards Show.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Hello, sorry, been somewhat at a low ebb today due to inactivity, boredom and a chill caused by being too embarrassed to ask for the air con to be turned down AGAIN. I thought I was a champion for the people until I realised that half the people near me were lounging around in T shirts.

Maybe I'm one of those Lizard People David Ike talks about. I was starting to wonder why David Attenborough was hiding in my filing cabinet, filming me from behind a stack of old ASA ajudications.

Aaaanyway, as I have mentioned before, tomorrow I will be blogging the Brits in all their boring glory, so I will save all my inspiration juice for then.
For now I will leave you with a photo of one band mysteriously left off the nominations for Best International Band, the 'Japanese Beatles' aka Bump of Chicken.
I have never actually heard The Bump, but am already in love with them thanks to their wonderful Wikipedia entry (HERE) which features not only their album and single titles, but each member's blood group and the fact that the lead singer "enjoys doing laundry, cannot eat spicy foods, has poor eyesight and likes to eat chicken"

Announcement - Blogging the Brits Makes a Glorious Return!

A big 'hello!' to the 2,854 people who have visited this blog since it's birth on Valentine's day last year.. yes, most of you stayed for less than one second, yes, most of you appeared to come after putting 'slimatea' or 'powerplate' into google, but I love you all the same!

As I am currently hideously uninspired and in possession of a new laptop I wish to use for something other than facebook and photoshopping my friends' heads onto animals (don't ask) I have made the momentous decision to *unneccesary drumroll* blog the Brit Awards! Again!

Looking back at last year's post it would appear that Orson won something, Joss Stone had stupid hair and Fearne Cotton was EXCITED. I wonder what joys this year will hold...

You can read my old Brits blog entry HERE, then prepare yourself to come back on Thursday morning and marvel at how one person can become so unfunny over the course of a year.

Baftas Exclusive!

My top secret source exclusively reveals:

Daniel Radcliffe - "Totally a man in a child's body. Everything about him is really really small"

Jeff Goldblum - "Really nice. Tall. Not at all letchy, that's just his face"

James Macavoy - "Ab-so-lutely tiny"

Kevin Spacey - "Really believes his own hype. Didn't come across as that Queeny"

Jessica Biel - "Tall and stunning"

Harvey Winstein - "Very fat and creepy looking"

Eddie Izzard - "Looks very normal in the flesh"

Wow, there you have it. Heat magazine eat your heart out.

Is the Metro Showbiz column staffed by monkeys?

Today's little gems:

'Allen shrugged as the cheers erupted for Winehouse, who looked slightly incoherent during her acceptance speech'
First off, Winehouse was not anywhere near incoherent, in fact she seemed remarkably sober as she thanked her parents AND there was at least one shot of Lily smiling and clapping Winehouse.

'Halle Berry cannot understand why she is yet to find a man. 'I'm open, honest and fun so I don't know what the problem is,' she said'
She might well have said this, but certainly not after last summer since she has been going out with a Versace model called Gabriel. Come on, there have been rumors of her pregnancy and engagement since Christmas so the woman is far from single!

'Whitney Houston is having an online auction of items belonging to former husband Bobby Brown. 'I want to clear up my life and this is the start' she said.
Again a case of gossip drawn from an old issue of More! found on the bus - she has already done this...back in January.

' Jodie Marsh is furious a drag queen act is using the name Jodie Harsh. 'People actually think I am performing' Moaned the glamour model. 'And she is ugly''

Hmm, she sure looks furious to me...

First off, Jodie Harsh has been established as one of London's premier drag queens for quite a while now, and this photo is at least a year old.

Secondly, I doubt anyone would think Marsh not Harsh was performing as Harsh hosts the Circus night at Soho Review Bar, the poster for which always has a massive photo of her on..

Thirdly, Harsh is better looking than Marsh anyway!

It makes me mad to think that this time next week I will be unemployed, yet the Metro actually pay people like Neil Sean to regurgitate months old rumours as fact and then fill in the gaps with lazyily made up lies!
AND he looks like a smug twat.

Release the dogs!

Blogging the Brits

20.00 Kudos to the Scissor Sisters for using the people in black crazy legs effect that they employed to great effect in their recent video, but it somewhat falls flat without one static camera filming it. Typical Brits camerawork involves muchos swooping shots, cut screens and shots of screeching audience members.

20.05 Went to make a cup of tea, but from kitchen have already heard at least five 'Robbie is a druggy' quips and the drummer from Muse has droned on for ages about winning something or other.

20.14 Goddamn, Snow Patrol are on, or the aural equivalent of a dog pissing on your shoe as I more fondly think of them. They appear to be performing inside a giant lightbulb and surrounded by little lightbulbs, in a move that should inspire both the Editors and Get Cape Wear Cape Fly to sue. If they are not already in a stupor. They all seem to be performing with their eyes shut, which seems a bit hazzardous, although I suppose it blanks out the cool kids making the wanking gestures in the front row

20.18 Fern Cotton is EXCITED and Snow Patrol gave her GOOSEBUMPS. She can't BELIEVE Muse keep their Brit Awards in a box. If the woman was any more literal she would burst through the fourth wall of the television and nick some of my stirfry. Apparently there is 'BRILLIANT' stuff coming up and we should all have a LOOK-SEE. I kinda wish she would burst through the screen so I could stick my chopsticks up her excited little nostrils.

20.25 Russell uses lots of sex metaphors and makes himself feel a bit ill. Jarvis Cocker comes on looking like a dour uncle who you bring into school because he was once did a really cool job but now has nothing to say and looks a bit uncomfortable as the kids ask him what it was like to be alive in the 1980's.
Actually that is a bit harsh, he just looks like it is all a bit below him. Which is is really. Makes great emphasis that the award was voted for by Radio 1 listeners, which cements this fact.
The Fratellis win, but I now forget what the award was for. Best Newcomers? They are terribly scottish and incomprehensible. One of them looks like Alexander Mc Queen

20.30 International Breakthrough Act. Presented by Toni Collette. Orson win, which I'm pleased about because I met them and they were quite nice and polite, although they are now running around the stage like boorish oafs. Anyone would think they thought the Brits actually meant something. They shamelessly plug their website and punch their fists in the air, as Americans are want to do.

20.33 Amy Winehouse performs. 'There's nothing of her' says the entering flatmate, which is very true, she is quite possibly 25% beehive, 10% ink and 75% proof. Still, she seems very together however and gives one hell of a good, yet understated performance. Good old Amy, I think she's ace but most people only know her as a drunken ball of hair.

20.37 More sex jokes from la Russ. Best British Male award presented by technicolour vomit on legs a.k.a Joss Stone. 'Big Love' to Robbie then tries to outsing Amy Winehouse, the little neon tramp. James Morrison wins, beating Thom Yorke and Jarvis Cocker. He 'did not expect this' damn straight he didn't! Actually it's not worth getting angry over, it is just the way of the Brits, one of those weird little blips, like the way Annie Lennox and Tori Amos are always nominated for Best Female whatever even when they haven't done anything.

20.42 I am going to have to stop this now as wine, garlic dip, pringles and flatmate are all being neglected.


21.22 Bored of flatmate and stinking of garlic, I am back like keuroac. Amy Winehouse won something, as did The Killers and Nelly Furtado who was all like 'Wow, I am honoured, I wanted to win this award since....*akward grimmace* I LOVE OASIS!' Arctic Monkeys dressed up as the Wizard of Oz, which was quite amusing, the guitarist sure do have a purty mouth.
Chilli Peppers just did an energetic performance, but you could tell their hearts weren't in it.

21.25 Best International Band. RHCP surely? Russell is actually doing a pretty good job at presenting..
The Killers have won something else! They performed previously, which could be why (another little Brit eccentricity..turn up? Get an award!) Apparently this is 'something else'. More American air punching, but in a more ironic fashion.

21.28 Corrine Bailey Ray performing and looking a bit more slinky than her previous wholesome image. Oh wait, there are kids skipping on stage for some reason, I take it back. Lots of people with afros slinking around in the background and looking all New York except I know CBR is from Leeds, so background artistes dressed up as asian rudeboys sharing fags and eating burgers out of polystyrene trays would be more relevent. They could chuck chips at her in the bridge.

21.33 Best British Single voted by the Great British Public a.k.a that bunch of morons who push infront of you to get on the bus everyday.
The nominees are all shite in a Virgin FM kinda way - The Feeling, Take That, Snore Patrol etc
Take That win. A weird man sitting on their table strokes Jason's belly as they get up.
The sound blips so we don't hear Mark Owen, but they all look suitably chuffed, which is genuinely quite touching. I mean, they do have 1,000000 of the bloody statues at home, but they must be getting rusty by now.

21.36 Best British Album. Russell still being funny, much as I hate to admit it. Sean Bean contributes to a night of random presenters. Arctic Monkeys win another one. Now they are the village people. It does make me like them more as it shows they have a smidgen of a sense of humor, but it could just be the manager as they still have faces like smacked arses.

21.39 Fearne congratulates Take That on the 'SPANGLY STUFF' during their performance. She says it cost £36 million pounds. Take That give her polite, yet withering looks. She is a gimp who can't read numbers. She then says that Oasis will play a BLINDING SET and then bids us LATERS, because she is down with the kids and goes to gigs and everything.


21.45 Outstanding Achievement Award. Brace yourself for Oasis being arrogant arseholes. Russell takes the piss out of Noel going to Downing Street back in the day That's kind of brave...I wonder how they are going to react to La Brand. Russ makes up for the piss taking with five minutes of arse licking. 'They write poetry for football fans' a.k.a boorish idiots like themselves. Big hugs all round, so I guess Noel isn't in a fighting mood. Liam says something rude but very quickly so god knows what it was. Oooh he's so hard. Time for the 'glorious loveable hooligans' to perform.
Actually, much as they are a coiterie of wankers, watching them perform is a slightly nostalgic experience. Shot of the audience suggests that most of them were still in nappies twelve years ago. Momentary sound fuck up seems to throw everyone, but Noel and Co snarl through it, ignoring worried looking other guitarist guy. Shot of Fratelli singer looking really bored. Shot of Chad from RHCP doing an appreciative head nod. Sound a bit buggered again.
They then perform a song which might be new because I don't know it. Oh god, I hope not...a britpop revival is years away, we need to get through new rave, new funk and new pop first. It's about 1991 in terms of revival years so far.
Shot of Corrine Bailey Ray looking smashed and singing along. I wonder if Liam straightens his hair. I bet he does, it is worryingly like mine, sideburns aside.

Well, that's it...I'm going to switch over to Never Mind the Buzzcocks which is truly ace now Amstell has stepped into the realm, and drag the flatemate away from her notes on spacial motion art colour blending blahblahblah

xx