Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Oh Noez! Eet ees the Recession!

Being brought up in the affluent 80's and 90's my only knowledge of recessions and stock market crashes came from the history classes I ignored because I was too busy txting people on my Nokia with it's one changeable cover or writing 'Spice Girls are Slags' on the back page of my exercise book. (how many people did that sentence alienate?)

This meant that when everyone started wittering on about recessions in the media I wasn't too concerned, because as I saw it, so long as we don't have to queue up for bread, fill wheelbarrows with fivers or dance the Charleston, it ain't that bad.

But wait! The warning signs have already started to emerge and infiltrate my self absorbed little world!

*First Direct now take bloody ages to answer their phone. Occasionally - typically when I NEED to speak to them when I have done something stupid like skipping off to eat my M&S sandwiches without first taking my card back from the cashier - I have been put on hold!

*Cadbury's chocolate bars now cost about 50p. But that could just be the greedy newsagent.

*The flatmate goes mad when she sees a good offer at the supermarket and we end up with 4 tubs of Flora Omega 3 margarine in our fridge. This encroaches dangerously on my olives and teeth whitening gel space.

*People at work start attempting to flog their gaudy Nike Air Force Ones on the intranet, as in these austere times they no longer want to look like a feckless neon teenager and instead dress in black like normal 30 year olds.

*More people quit smoking and in doing so eat more Kettle Chips to build up valuable body fat for when the food runs out. *ahem*

*It pours with rain the whole fucking time. It's impossible to have a recession when it is beautiful and sunny out, so thanks to greedy US banks and their sub prime motgages I am still wearing three layers plus a coat when scurrying between work and the Underground. This is a pathetic fallacy at work, and I won't have the weather centre or fables about 'April showers' tell me otherwise.

So whatistodo? Using the same line of thinking that lead me to ponder what in my flat could be made into a raft during the floods last year*, I have decided to take affirmative action. I am not going to buy stupid trainers, I'll keep that one cigarette I have left for future bartering NOT for when I am a bit drunk on Friday, and I'll put a new lock on the flat door to stop starving neighbours from breaking in and stealing my olives.

*The dinner table with lots of cling film wound round the legs with my guitar for a paddle

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Now With Added Bullshit

I like to think I am a relatively intellegent female - I have a degree, a good job, I regularly read novels that don't come free with magazines and watch BBC 4; yet for some reason, all this vanishes the minute I stumble through the doors at Boots.
Take this facewash I bought yesterday:

Biche in Boots - Ooh! Clean Detox Detoxifying Exfoliation Wash. That sounds incredibly impressive and effective. Two of the words are very long and scientific sounding.

Biche at home - Two of the words are basically the same! And clean is not a million miles away from detox as it is, when we are talking about face scrub opposed to crystal meth... so what we have here is Clean Clean Clean Scrub Wash. So it's basically liquid soap with rough bits in it.

Biche in Boots - Detox Detoxifying? Huzzah! This super product is going to do oh so much more than simply get all the gunk off my face and stop me looking like a crack addled panda after a night out, it will rid my face of all the evil poisons!

Biche at home - What evil poisons? I've never felt the need to detox my face before, how will this product with over 30 ingredients inlcuding 'methyl gluceth-20' and 'ammonium polyacryloyldimethyl' help me detox my visage?

Biche at Boots - Ooh it has 'exfoliating particles to purify pores'! Good good, I do have skanky blackheads.

Biche at home - I want to get rid of my blackheads, not absolve them of all their sins. What does purify actually mean? Is it just a clever way to say 'yeah it won't get RID of the blackheads but you wouldn't buy it if we said that'?

Biche at Boots - The blurb says 'a daily facial cleanser which eliminates impurities (pollution, makeup) from the surface of the skin'.
Well I do work in central London where the sky is low and yellow, and yup, I do wear a bit of foundation and mascara unless I'm really hungover.

Biche at home - If these terrible impurities are simply dirt and makeup, a bloody bar of soap could remove them! And if we are just talking about the surface of the skin, then I could theoretically scrape my face with a toothbrush and eliminate the mingy surface of my skin.

Biche at Boots - It says 'gently apply a hazelnut sized portion of Clean Detox Detoxifying Exfoliation Wash' This coupled with the picture of the plant on the front makes me think I am buying something lovely and natural.

Biche at home - I have no idea how big a hazelnut is. I only ever see them when I bite into my bar of Fruit and Nut.

In conclusion: It doesn't matter how much Doris Lessing or postcolonial discourse I read, when confronted by cheap things to make me beautifuller I turn into a weak willed silly bit of skirt.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

"And then Snoop Dogg Strolled out the Fridge Singing in German"

..and other things you couldn't make up.

Photo of the Day - The Hair Bear Bunch

Who knew that if an Ewok and and the contents of a hoover had a baby it would look like David Bowie in Labyrinth?

Sunday, 20 April 2008

If the new Gladiators isn't like this I for one will be sorely disappointed....

These are the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (G.L.O.W) stars of the euponymous 1980's TV show. Yeah, it was basically like WWF but with laydees; 'Stallone's Sweethearts' the goodie good girls lead by 'pitbull with a facelift' Jackie Stallone (yes HER, awful Big Brother lady and who knew? Worst rapper in the world ever) and 'Kitty's Killers' the bad girls lead by some fat old woman who is probably dead now.

Go to the wikipedia site to read the hilarious descriptions of the girls, their fantastic names and their hilarious feuds, then go to because I got the video from there, and if it wasn't for Michael K I might never have discovered this wonderful little gem.

I particularly love that because this was 1980's USA there were wrestlers called Palestinia and Ninotchka, naturally the mortal enemies of blonde blue eyed Americana. Oh, to be ten years older and American so I might have had the chance to witness this landmark of television!



Edit: Having just seen THIS video, it would appear that Sky One is making efforts to capture the irony obsessed hipster audience. This ruse will most likely fail as Sky One is a naff cheeseball of a channel (and not even in a so-bad-it's good way so much as a 'meh, what's on Living? way'), but luckily there are vast swathes of idiot students who get high on nostaligic shit, and the marketers can easily twist dem demographics to be one and the same. Oh yeah, and the kids will love it too.

Thoughts on Adverts

Yes, yes I know it's been a while (although not as long as I feared it had been) since I have written on this thing... I've been busy at work and so have probably lost all my loyal following (hello you two!) but oh well, I'll keep wittering into the void and pretend that there are people all over the world hanging on my every word.

I think last time I started blogging again it was inspired by some impotent rage I was taking out on the poor tv, and this time is not much different... recently several adverts have Got My Goat, so I have returned victorious to smash them down to size.

Case 1: BASF Group.
A man climbs up a glacier. He falls! But wait! His rope saves him. An invisible rope. This rope is BASF who rather self importantly call themselves THE chemical company, and thanks to their 'invisible contribution' there is a visible result.

Biche says: Wait, why are they THE chemical company? Aren't Glaxo Smith Cline a chemical company? Call me naive, but in this capitalist opportunistic climate, I somehow doubt that there is only one chemical company. This means they must really mean 'da' like 'you da man' and frankly that's just embarrassing. The more pressing issue however is the very point of the advert - invisible contribution? Then why the hell are you shouting about it three times an hour? That's like me repeatedly announcing that I direct debit monthly money to Amnesty International while in the pub and expecting praise and adulation every single time and not the 'shut up smugface, what are you trying to prove? Get a round in' that I would receive.

Case 2 - Frontline
Oh noes! The dog has the flees! Worrawegonnado?? Why, get Frontline flea repellent of course, 'The Gesture of Love you can Trust'

Biche says: This advert was obviously written by someone so jaded by 'dinner at a place with forks = putting out' that she now lives alone with hundreds of flea free cats.

Oh okay I had more, but now I've been distracted by Bear Grylls twatting around a Saharan salt plain with a urine soaked t shirt on his head, so I will leave you all for now safe in the knowledge that soon I will be back with some...funny...stuff....yeah?