How to Hypnotise a Woman (NSFW if you can bare to watch it all the way through)

I defy you to find one woman this could possibly, ever, ever, work on, those having undergone frontal lobotomies or aged under eight excluded. That said, Brenda's sheer gullability and the toys on her bed suggest that actually both these things might be the case...

Honestly, it's more like an episode of The Red Shoe Diaries than a self help video and was clearly made for men by men who clearly haven't spent much time in the company of those who are not men.

Note to self: If any therapist ever utters the word 'horny' run for the fucking hills!

I bang the worst dudes

Well, not me. *cough* *shuffle*

This is a rather amusing-if-possibly fake website where women can upload pictures of their awful lays and basically explain to the world why it was a matter of the earth needing to swallow them up rather than moving, as such.

On one hand, it's a funny read. On the other you kind of think that if this was a website about women, then everyone would be up in arms. Poor men, no one stands up for them.

www.sorrymom.tumblr.com

The Saga of the Clap Clinic

There are lots of reports these days that old people are foregoing knitting in favour of a good hard unprotected rut with other similary saggy skinned biddies. (well, unless you are Ronnie Wood)

When I was at the Clap Clinic today (there ain't no shame, regardless of how you may feel when asked to describe your discharge and you turn into a twittering idiot who goes 'ohmywellisupposeitsabitlikeummmmohwelltheotherweekarentwehavinglovelyweatherthesedays?' much to the chagrin of the long suffering doctor) the only reading material in the waiting room was a copy of SAGA magazine. From December 2007.

And a fascinating read it was too!

But yeah, this would suggest that the oldies do grace Clap Clinics with their presence, although possibly they are so engrossed in readers' photos of snowmen from years gone by (my favourite: This is the snowman we built outside Hounslow Police Station in 1978. Back when we could see to the prisoners how we liked without letting the 'PC brigade' get involved. Pardon the pun!) that they don't hear the doctors call them in, and after a satisfying read, toddle on home again, still riddled with STD 's and without their free bag of condoms and lube.

Incidentally, I do now feel compelled to tell you all, dear readers, that I do not have any diseases, but I did accidentally pee on my hand while taking a urine sample, so I would still give me a wide berth.

Madge Vadge!

From Racked.com, this poor Warner Bros prole turned up to her office one morning to discover she now works in one of the most overexposed, hard working Vajayays in pop.

And it also happens to be an incredibly tenuous excuse for me to post this clip of the Day Today (see last 2 seconds of clip)

Dragonball Squee

Why yes, your eyes do not deceive you, it is indeed a statue of an ejeculating Manga boy, looking eerily like something out of Dragonball Z if the programme included the cumshots that go with the characters dubious 'gnerrrrrrrrrrrr!' 'urrrrrrhg!' noises they spend half each episode making.

Is it art? Is it one of those things you can buy in Akihabra for about £3? Is it every parent's worst nightmare?

These are all vaguely relevant questions. But more to the point, how much would you pay for it?









How about £2,000,000?

No Joke or a Lie

Love Is...

...nicking stuff off THIS website!

Hot Dating Tipz from MSN and the Biche

Okay, I admit it, I was a bit bored at work (at 9.47, which is almost a new record) so when an article called 'How To Tell if They Fancy You' popped up on MSN Today while I was checking my emails, I decided to check it out.*
Quite how anyone who works at MSN has a boyfriend is beyond me, either that or they are so paranoid about it that they have decided to write an article which will deem anyone who follows it to a life of desperate singledom, and thus make the flirting pool a bit smaller.

Below are their fabulous tips, followed by my own interpretation of their supposed 'signs'**

Your date says your name more than usual.Maybe your date says your first and last name, like, “So, Michael Stevens, you up for a night cap after dinner?” Or maybe your date says just your first name three times, like “Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty.” Either way, it can be a sign that your date feels so much chemistry, he or she can’t help but connect with your closest possession: your name.

Biche says: If someone says your name a lot it is because they have a coterie of other 'birds' on the go, and the repetition is their way of keeping themselves in check so they don't call you 'Sabrina' or 'Dave' halfway through the meal. If someone says your name three times, like 'Kirsty Kirsty 'Kirsty' they are probably shaking their head in sad disbelief.

Your Date squints at you

When one person fancies another, they’ll give each other a sweet little squint, usually followed by a smile. What gives? It’s an unconscious bit of body language that shows the person is searching for more info about you.

Biche says: When one person wants to pretend the other is someone else, they will give a sweet little squint, usually followed by a smile. This is because through half shut eyes you almost resemble someone vaguely attractive, and when this is achieved your date can happily pretend they are on a hot date at an expensive bistro, not stuck in a Bella Italia with someone who sticks breadsticks up their nose for entertainment.

Your date asks the “why” and “how” questions.

During dinner conversation, any polite date will ask you factual things about your family like, “So, do you have brothers and sisters?” So it’s not necessarily a sign they feel chemistry with you. It is a sign of chemistry, however, if they delve deeper and ask more probing questions. As in, “So, how did you get interested in accounting anyway?” And “Why did you decide to move all the way down south?”

Biche says: During dinner any polite date will ask 'why' and 'how' questions of a deep nature, such as 'so why did you down twelve shots and dance on the bar without any knickers on?' and 'how were you not arrested when you kicked the barman in the face?'

This is what is known as a morbid curiosity.

Your date gets quiet midway through your time together.

Rather than taking your date’s silence as a sign your date has lost interest, it could actually be the opposite: Your date may be feeling such a pull toward you that he or she is lost in thought about it. “Sometimes, a person feels such a strong attraction that instead of nodding and following the conversation, he or she is just contemplating you,” says Wood.

Biche says: If your date falls silent it could be that they are feeling such a strong attraction to you that they cannot speak. Then again, it could be because they're not sure how to respond to 'I mean yeah, so I gave blowjobs for 50p or a can of coke when I was fifteen, but then that's normal right?' or they have regressed so far into their expensive bistro fantasy that they have actually fallen asleep.

You hear “you’re” a lot.

If your date says to you, “You’re great” or “You’re so funny” or “You’re so cool!” or “You’re something else…” then you’re very lucky! Personalising your admiration or approval of a date means a lot; it’s a strong sign of attraction, while statements like, “That’s great” or “That’s funny” don’t mean as much

Biche says: If your date says 'You're so great! You're so funny! You're so cool!' it is a strong sign that are you are wooing a ten year old girl, and that's paedophilia yo..

Your date gives you a token of the evening.

If your date gives you something you can hold onto and look at later, chances are they’re feeling chemistry. Jennifer’s date once picked up a pack of matches from the restaurant they were in and said, “Here, for you.”

Biche says: If your date gives you something to hold onto and look at later, such as the bill, chances are that you have accidentally mistaken that bloke who sells the Big Issue outside the restaurant as your date.

* Out of idle interest yeah? I need no help working out who fancies me. EVERYONE fancies me. Including me. Well, mostly me to be honest...

** TOTALLY not based on my own experiences. I asked for a can of coke and a bag of crisps.

On the Bed, On the Floor,On the Towel by the Door...

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel's hilarious love songs are quite old now (basic moral of this blog appears to be I should post stuff when I see it opposed to when I can be bothered, approximately three months after they are cool and new) but I still nearly 'lol' every time I see Sarah's.. and I guess it makes sense to post Jimmy's too while I am here, even though he covers his lack of wit with a boatload of celebrities..