Wednesday, 25 July 2007

On the merry streets of Soho

For some reason it pleases me immensely that Bathing Ape - sorry Bape - 's flagship store in Soho, perveyor of limited edition £500 trainers and baseball caps that cost £100, is next to a Greggs, perveyor of sausage rolls and steak bakes for less than a pound.
I fondly imagine that I will troll down there one day to see a standoff between the queue of faux Japanese trendies outside Bape and the queue of grey wheezing proles outside Greggs, but that's just the stuff of Jason Nevin's nightmares.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Cape Wrath - Cape Whaaa?

My head, it hurts! This programme is really well acted to a T but literally makes no sense! Dramatic confrontation after dramatic confrontation, always with a dash of pointless sex or violence and always with a twist! It's like watching thirty Drama A level assessments in an hour, which at least explains why most of my drama teachers have been barking.

Still main guy, whose name I forget as it's something boring like David Blah, is oddly attractive. So I will persevere.

I'm going to put my neck on the line here.., no I'm not even in the slightest, but I had an epiphany that I first had at Glastonbury again on the bus this morning - the Arctic Monkeys are really fucking great. Like, really, really great. Like, great enough that it makes me really want to live up north again, away from the snideypoos of London Town who don't say what they think and don't know what they feel. Not, admittedly enough to bring up a child in the North, but that's Tom from Hollyoaks fault. Mind you, Ben from Eastenders is pretty much killing my love of southern kids too, so perhaps I will have to run off and have a kid with someone whose accent doesn't feature in a soap opera. Not that this is exactly an immediate concern I hasten to add, before my male friend start covering their crotches in the pub and I find a boiled bunny on my desk tomorow.

But anyway, I digress. Arctic Monkeys - ace. Totally ace. And anyone who laughs at me for being really middle of the road, or boring or obvious can sod off. I can't hear you anyway because I'm singing along to my ipod in a reet terrible norvern accent.

Monday, 23 July 2007

Well I guess it's not MY taxes paying for this

Actually I think this film has made me like the US Navy at lest 100000000 times more than before. But then they aren't wasting my money or killing my family, so I guess that actually makes me a bit biased.

Nah, I think, as demonstrated by the Philippino prisioners, there is always room for a nice bit of miming and mugging in the workplace. I'm just bitter because no one at work has twigged that by coming in every day dressed up an airhostess I'm not the cleaner and that I actually want to start an impromtu rendition of Flying the Flag by Scootch. Or Toxic by Britney. Hell! Even Woah We are Going to Ibiza by the Vegaboys. I'm not fussy. But I won't empty your overflowing bin.

Walking, Talking, Living Doll

I don't know who this classy lady is, but much like Sienna Miller a few posts back, she appears to have jumped into a time machine and asked the 6 year old Biche for makeup advice. Only this little dollface raided my dressing up box too!

TRUFAX! I used to have the most amazing black velvet and gold lame leopard print strapless cocktail dress when I was younger. I mean, obviously it didn't stay up and it reached the floor rather than a be-stockinged knee and I wore it over jeans and a t shirt, but I was still clearly The Shit. My friends had to make do with cast off gypsy skirts and parachute pants.

Saturday, 21 July 2007



Although respect is due to:

*The street sweeper of Crouch End Broadway. He must be about fifty and appears to be built soully of sinew, wire and reflective yellow plastic, but my god! He is like a grizzly old duracell bunny! Well, to be honest he is probably on speed or at least some other low level amphetamine, but my god he gets the job done, and woe betide any dog/pregnant woman/annoying little tyke not in pushchair (who collectively make up at least 75% of Crouch End at any given time) who wanders into the path of his giant blur of a broom. I did used to think he was pretending he was in Stomp! in his head and was actually beating out complex drum rhythms as he anihilates the fag butts and bus tickets to the curb, but having seen into his eyes (through the protection of the bus shelter) I fink is jus da drugs.

Which begs the question why they don't subsidise them as part of the job. If they did I'm sure more people would sign up. Well, it would probably lure mon frere into gainful employment at any rate.

*The old man who dropped his melon on the bus yeterday. No shame, he just went and chased after it like a toddler chasing a duck before securing it somewhere near the drivers feet and getting a round of applause from the bus.

Ha you can tell I was thinking of this on my journey to the pub last night, can't you?

Christ what a lame entry

Take me to the Phillipines so I can do wrong!

I'm sure most of you will have seen that north Korea thing where thousands of little kids do synchronised gymastics and praise communism and whatnot, but never in your life (unless you read dlisted today) will you have seen - or even dreamed of - hundreds of inmates at a Philipino prision doing the Michael Jackson Thriller dance. I wonder how they decided who got to be Michael and who got to be the girl....maybe it's like the top dog and his top bottom, hell, I wonder why on earth they decided to do it at all, and how they convinced so many hardened crims to join in!

Frankly, unless I now see the inmates of Guantanamo Bay doing Hit Me Baby One More Time, this video will officially be Most Random Shit of the Year 2007

EDIT: Having just seen to the end I am infact now convinced that the whole thing was set up as an elaborate ploy to assasinate the ladyboy in the gayest way possible bar actual homosexual activities. And it is still fabulous! If only those Russian spies had tried to assisinate that guy in the london hotel via the medium of TATU 'All the Things She Said' then we would have none of this trouble.

David Miliband - 'Ha great. Yeah you keep on playing silly buggers like something out of a James Bond film. In fact, why not try it to a theme tune next time? May I suggest Live and Let Die? I love a bit of Wings Me'

Putin - 'HEATHEN! We dispise Wings here in the mother country. They will die to manly music like the great Journey or Bruce Springsteen. You female dog English with your love of all music gay and derivative, we lull you into false security with TATU assasination'

Miliband - 'Frankly this will not do. We do not condone the murder of British citizens on British soil for any reason. I am not gay and although Wings did not quite live up to the Beatles in any way shape or form, Live and Let Die was a good song.

Putin - Guns and Roses version?

Miliband - Oh okay, but any Welcome to the Jungle and we extradite your arses.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Me as a f**king Simpson!!1!1!

Pretty much as plain and dull as in real life then! You could go to the Simpsons Movie website and make one of yourself but nooooooooooo! You are clever people who are not sucked into elaborate advertising campaigns for upcoming summer blockbusters! You want to just stare at a dull cartoon of the Biche!

Sunday, 8 July 2007

New Joker from Batman revealed again...

Nah, it's just Sienna Miller looking a bit like the doodlings of a six year old Biche come to life. Pass the felt tips! She doesn't have the two pink circles for cheeks yet!

The Muppets F**k the Police

Ha, got to love my hypocrisy that it feels kind of wrong writing the title of this post without the **, but as my Jason Lee post shows, I am generally far from adverse to using bad language.

But anyway, here is a delightful little video found by my friend also brings the number of posts I have written about NWA up to at least three, which is quite remarkable given that I own no albums by the said rap combo, and indeed they have featured very little in my life bar when I went to sixth form and one of the feeder schools was called Compton.

Friday, 6 July 2007

Peter Doherty - he writes for the people

Hilarious amazon reviews of Pete Doherty's latest literary excretion

Shamelessly nicked from Holy Moly, after all my ranting and raging, it is stuff like this that restores my faith in the Great British Public.

"Yeah, right. What a lazy, good-for-nothing scumbag Pete Doherty is. A disgrace to the youth of today. A boy so devoid of charisma, I heard he woke up this morning and saw his name on a loaf of bread but when he looked again he saw it read 'Thick Cut'. "

"The Books of Albion is a harrowing tale, capturing the adventure of a group of noble wood elves and and a cheeky ork as they try to bring down the evil Wizard Of Albion and find themselves in a enchanting journey through mystical lands. Oh hang on, this is the one about that smackhead off the tv, isn't it? "

"what i object to is the worn out and recycled comment that pete doherty fans persist in spewing, namely that he is a 'poet' or a 'genius'. i myself see more 'poetry'and 'genius' in the foul ordure contained in my nephew's nappy each time it is changed. if you can name me one piece of 'genius' that this piddle stained pleb has written, be it song, poem or book i will eat my own head. "

Pity 4 Mutya

Jason Lee pisses all over my childhood memories...

...well he has already broken my heart with his alien worshipping fake yokel ways, the cunt. In Mallrats he was pretty much the coolest thing to ever ramble around on two legs, and now? Not content with desecrating my memories of him, he has to make one of my favorite childhood cartoons into an excretable Christmas movie, designed purely to kick visiting relatives and small children out the house for two hours between Boxing Day and New Years so Mum can have a fag and a large Avocaat.

CGI? *shudder* WTF? Do they think kids today are too cynical to watch chipmunks with silly voices unless they look like members of NWA? Christ, Alvin looks like he's packing a piece - he wants to stab you in the leg and steal your mobile while Theodore films the whole thing on his phone.

I used to love the Chipmunks, especially the Christmas episode they played every year that I seem to remember involving a harmonica..and the spinoff with the girl chipmunks. Classic!

Jesus why don't I just kneel down now so Jason Lee can stick it in my ear and totally fuck the rest of my memories?

Back by Virtue of Cultural Outrage

Hello! Yes it has been a while, I got a job and became a commuting PAYE drone, but recently on my travails around London (above and below), the internet and various other places that take up my time, I have seen things that make me thing 'Dear God! What the hell? I must enlighten the world to this outrage!'
It could be because I have just read A Confederacy of Dunces, it could be because I am old, but fundamentally YES! I am back, and I have some things to pointedly observe about.

IDNS these twats on my travails, but it's probably just as well...