Can I get a reeeewiiind?

I've just redone my old post on Paris is Burning.

I think you should read.

Abercrombie and Fuck You

When I heard that Abercrombie and Fitch had opened a store in London, I put it in the same 'huh' news catagory as 'the A1 past Hanger Lane is a bit sluggish today' and Jessica's status is '...' according to Facebook.

I vaguely knew A&F to be a Gap-ish like clothes shop in America that people seem to love, even though as far as I could work out it sold either bland as fuck clothes or highly branded bland as fuck clothes.

Yesterday however, I happened to be in the area, so decided to visit the London A&F store. Within two seconds of entering it shot up from being a thing I had sort-of-heard-of-kind-of to being my official Worst Shop in London and Possibly Ever. - a title snatched away from Halfords in Friern Barnet Retail Park with considerable aplomb.

Where to start? Oh, well as you enter, you can queue to have your photo taken with a shirtless male hunk and keep the polaroid to show all your friends back home. Why? So you can tell them you shagged him? So they can be impressed that you stood next to someone with a six pack? Because some of his fitness might rub off on you and make you look less like a fat tourist in a straining pair of chinos and sweat drenched 'I heart London t-shirt'? *shudder*

This isn't apparently just a random act of whoring: A&F is known for it's good looking staff and presumerbly being pimped out to hormonal girls is part of the job description. I did wonder about this alleged hiring policy, as it appeared to be very much in action in the London shop and surely smacks of discrimination if true. Is anyone who reads this really fat/hairy/muslim/tattooed/all of the above? Please apply and let me know how you get on.

Anyway, inside. You know what I hate more than bland as fuck branded clothing in a million different pastel colours? I hate being lost in dark crowded nightclubs while shit trance music thumps so loud I can't hear my own angry thoughts.
Random? No, no, no, THIS is Abercrombie and Fitch, London. Confusing, as A&F is what one is supposed to wear to a chase a labrador across a beach in the Hamptons with your wholesome looking boyfriend, so the Ministry of Sound get up is beyond infuriating.
They even have two of their Stepford employees dancing on a balcony as if to say 'Hey, this is really fun! I always like to rave it up in the middle of the day wearing stonewashed bootleg jeans and a cornflower blue vest top!'.

It's a wonder the staff get time to actually fold jeans in between being groped and pretending to be 'aving it large', but I gather it's actually an honour to work in A&F as it means you are 'fit'. Fit and presumerbly also as thick as two short planks to allow yourself to be exploited in such a manner for £6.50 an hour.

Shops like A&F with concieted good looking staff (Urban Outfitters is another prime example) also irk me, as until a few years ago, I would be seriously intimidated about going in them, actually being worried about what the staff would think of me. Fortunately, now I am not just confident enough in myself to know I am as 'fit' as them, I also don't fold t shirts for living and could buy that whole pile of muthafuckin' folded Micky Mouse stencilled abomonations if I wanted to.

edit: Ooh I just found THIS article by someone at the Daily Mail *hock, spit* who went undercover at A&F. He said what I said but in a more boring way.

edit: while looking for a suitable image for this entry, I came across their website description - 'The highest quality, All-American lifestyle clothing for aspirational men and women'.
I think I just vommed in my mouth and waged war on the West.

Sartorial 100m Hurdles

Oh God how I wish I had thought of this...

Vice style 'Do's and Don't' from the Olympic opening ceremony.


It fair made me snort into my cornflakes.

Incidentally, I'm off work this week, hence the prolific blogging; it also means I am sampling the 'wonder' that is daytime TV for the first time in about a year. How vile is Jeremy Kyle? Really, who the hell is this perma-angry man who shouts over undereducated poor people as they attempt to defend their poxy lives on national television? I can't believe I ironically dug him at Uni, he is the 21st Century version of the Witchfinder General.

next week on SOB, Biche wonders why aeroplane food tastes so bad, comments that Gordon Brown is a big boring and cocks her hammer in the direction of more sealife held in wooden containers

Thoughts on Kate Moss's New Perfume Ad

The bottle looks a bit like a giant butt plug, which is unfortunate, given it's location and Kate's posture.

Kate Moss has been interrupted midway through farting a plume of smoke and isn't pleased about it.

Isn't there some phrase about 'shooting smoke up your arse'?

Is this what 'embracing the night' looks like? I would say this is what 'embracing the staircase after drunkenly tripping over your own feet in Mo*vida' looks like

Velvet Hour sounds like a cheap range of chocolates from the 1980's.

Or some niche evening show at the Four Floors of Whores.

Who the hell would buy this perfume anyway? Even impressionable young women who worship la Moss would know that she wouldn't wear something you could buy in Superdrug next to Charli, Angel and Stunning by Katie Price.

I like her hair.

Now With Added Bullshit

I like to think I am a relatively intellegent female - I have a degree, a good job, I regularly read novels that don't come free with magazines and watch BBC 4; yet for some reason, all this vanishes the minute I stumble through the doors at Boots.
Take this facewash I bought yesterday:

Biche in Boots - Ooh! Clean Detox Detoxifying Exfoliation Wash. That sounds incredibly impressive and effective. Two of the words are very long and scientific sounding.

Biche at home - Two of the words are basically the same! And clean is not a million miles away from detox as it is, when we are talking about face scrub opposed to crystal meth... so what we have here is Clean Clean Clean Scrub Wash. So it's basically liquid soap with rough bits in it.

Biche in Boots - Detox Detoxifying? Huzzah! This super product is going to do oh so much more than simply get all the gunk off my face and stop me looking like a crack addled panda after a night out, it will rid my face of all the evil poisons!

Biche at home - What evil poisons? I've never felt the need to detox my face before, how will this product with over 30 ingredients inlcuding 'methyl gluceth-20' and 'ammonium polyacryloyldimethyl' help me detox my visage?

Biche at Boots - Ooh it has 'exfoliating particles to purify pores'! Good good, I do have skanky blackheads.

Biche at home - I want to get rid of my blackheads, not absolve them of all their sins. What does purify actually mean? Is it just a clever way to say 'yeah it won't get RID of the blackheads but you wouldn't buy it if we said that'?

Biche at Boots - The blurb says 'a daily facial cleanser which eliminates impurities (pollution, makeup) from the surface of the skin'.
Well I do work in central London where the sky is low and yellow, and yup, I do wear a bit of foundation and mascara unless I'm really hungover.

Biche at home - If these terrible impurities are simply dirt and makeup, a bloody bar of soap could remove them! And if we are just talking about the surface of the skin, then I could theoretically scrape my face with a toothbrush and eliminate the mingy surface of my skin.

Biche at Boots - It says 'gently apply a hazelnut sized portion of Clean Detox Detoxifying Exfoliation Wash' This coupled with the picture of the plant on the front makes me think I am buying something lovely and natural.

Biche at home - I have no idea how big a hazelnut is. I only ever see them when I bite into my bar of Fruit and Nut.

In conclusion: It doesn't matter how much Doris Lessing or postcolonial discourse I read, when confronted by cheap things to make me beautifuller I turn into a weak willed silly bit of skirt.

Speaking of a Lack of Dignity....

Who the hell would wear this T shirt from Zara? Maybe the same woman I wrote about two posts ago, if the designer vagina recliner is too much of a subtle hint..

Liberace is a giant vagina

how ironic..

"Hands off my cadaver, bitch"

I'm thinking this is possibly a subtle reference to a biblical painting of Mary as she holds a post-crucifixtion Jesus, replicated three times to symbolise the holy trinity. The denim and leather symbolising that the work of a woman is never done, the red lipstick denoting the passion and power of the female sex and ummm... the bad roots representing that one can never hide one's true character from sprouting mousily out of one's head.

Or it is simply a terribly misguided necrophilic attempt at a 'sexay' album cover.

New Joker from Batman revealed again...

Nah, it's just Sienna Miller looking a bit like the doodlings of a six year old Biche come to life. Pass the felt tips! She doesn't have the two pink circles for cheeks yet!

Virtual Biche!

Look! It's me (albeit a possibly quite svelte me with oddly red hair) It's from the Hennes website...

That's all really, watching the repeat of the Apprentice which is stressing me out even though I already saw it last week. It's slightly weird watching it now because all the besuited chumps are only a few years older than me and my dear friends, none of whom as far as I know talk about 'business levels' 'proactivity' or wear cheap suits.

A year ago it all seemed so alien, but already the talks of salaries, work and whatnot are however quite familiar, so perhaps this is the future! Perhaps in three years time we will all be synergising and profit margining! In nasty suits! Whilst shouting into Blackberries!

Still, virtual Biche will always be the same, oh yes, virtual Biche in her skinny jeans and slightly unflattering top that is usually only worn to the gym...she will never change!

Photo of Day - Jess has a Fake Versace Face

(Left: Jess, not amused. Right: fake bag from breezeblock market in Camden, equally unimpressed)