20.00 Kudos to the Scissor Sisters for using the people in black crazy legs effect that they employed to great effect in their recent video, but it somewhat falls flat without one static camera filming it. Typical Brits camerawork involves muchos swooping shots, cut screens and shots of screeching audience members.
20.05 Went to make a cup of tea, but from kitchen have already heard at least five 'Robbie is a druggy' quips and the drummer from Muse has droned on for ages about winning something or other.
20.14 Goddamn, Snow Patrol are on, or the aural equivalent of a dog pissing on your shoe as I more fondly think of them. They appear to be performing inside a giant lightbulb and surrounded by little lightbulbs, in a move that should inspire both the Editors and Get Cape Wear Cape Fly to sue. If they are not already in a stupor. They all seem to be performing with their eyes shut, which seems a bit hazzardous, although I suppose it blanks out the cool kids making the wanking gestures in the front row
20.18 Fern Cotton is EXCITED and Snow Patrol gave her GOOSEBUMPS. She can't BELIEVE Muse keep their Brit Awards in a box. If the woman was any more literal she would burst through the fourth wall of the television and nick some of my stirfry. Apparently there is 'BRILLIANT' stuff coming up and we should all have a LOOK-SEE. I kinda wish she would burst through the screen so I could stick my chopsticks up her excited little nostrils.
20.25 Russell uses lots of sex metaphors and makes himself feel a bit ill. Jarvis Cocker comes on looking like a dour uncle who you bring into school because he was once did a really cool job but now has nothing to say and looks a bit uncomfortable as the kids ask him what it was like to be alive in the 1980's.
Actually that is a bit harsh, he just looks like it is all a bit below him. Which is is really. Makes great emphasis that the award was voted for by Radio 1 listeners, which cements this fact.
The Fratellis win, but I now forget what the award was for. Best Newcomers? They are terribly scottish and incomprehensible. One of them looks like Alexander Mc Queen
20.30 International Breakthrough Act. Presented by Toni Collette. Orson win, which I'm pleased about because I met them and they were quite nice and polite, although they are now running around the stage like boorish oafs. Anyone would think they thought the Brits actually meant something. They shamelessly plug their website and punch their fists in the air, as Americans are want to do.
20.33 Amy Winehouse performs. 'There's nothing of her' says the entering flatmate, which is very true, she is quite possibly 25% beehive, 10% ink and 75% proof. Still, she seems very together however and gives one hell of a good, yet understated performance. Good old Amy, I think she's ace but most people only know her as a drunken ball of hair.
20.37 More sex jokes from la Russ. Best British Male award presented by technicolour vomit on legs a.k.a Joss Stone. 'Big Love' to Robbie then tries to outsing Amy Winehouse, the little neon tramp. James Morrison wins, beating Thom Yorke and Jarvis Cocker. He 'did not expect this' damn straight he didn't! Actually it's not worth getting angry over, it is just the way of the Brits, one of those weird little blips, like the way Annie Lennox and Tori Amos are always nominated for Best Female whatever even when they haven't done anything.
20.42 I am going to have to stop this now as wine, garlic dip, pringles and flatmate are all being neglected.
21.22 Bored of flatmate and stinking of garlic, I am back like keuroac. Amy Winehouse won something, as did The Killers and Nelly Furtado who was all like 'Wow, I am honoured, I wanted to win this award since....*akward grimmace* I LOVE OASIS!' Arctic Monkeys dressed up as the Wizard of Oz, which was quite amusing, the guitarist sure do have a purty mouth.
Chilli Peppers just did an energetic performance, but you could tell their hearts weren't in it.
21.25 Best International Band. RHCP surely? Russell is actually doing a pretty good job at presenting..
The Killers have won something else! They performed previously, which could be why (another little Brit eccentricity..turn up? Get an award!) Apparently this is 'something else'. More American air punching, but in a more ironic fashion.
21.28 Corrine Bailey Ray performing and looking a bit more slinky than her previous wholesome image. Oh wait, there are kids skipping on stage for some reason, I take it back. Lots of people with afros slinking around in the background and looking all New York except I know CBR is from Leeds, so background artistes dressed up as asian rudeboys sharing fags and eating burgers out of polystyrene trays would be more relevent. They could chuck chips at her in the bridge.
21.33 Best British Single voted by the Great British Public a.k.a that bunch of morons who push infront of you to get on the bus everyday.
The nominees are all shite in a Virgin FM kinda way - The Feeling, Take That, Snore Patrol etc
Take That win. A weird man sitting on their table strokes Jason's belly as they get up.
The sound blips so we don't hear Mark Owen, but they all look suitably chuffed, which is genuinely quite touching. I mean, they do have 1,000000 of the bloody statues at home, but they must be getting rusty by now.
21.36 Best British Album. Russell still being funny, much as I hate to admit it. Sean Bean contributes to a night of random presenters. Arctic Monkeys win another one. Now they are the village people. It does make me like them more as it shows they have a smidgen of a sense of humor, but it could just be the manager as they still have faces like smacked arses.
21.39 Fearne congratulates Take That on the 'SPANGLY STUFF' during their performance. She says it cost £36 million pounds. Take That give her polite, yet withering looks. She is a gimp who can't read numbers. She then says that Oasis will play a BLINDING SET and then bids us LATERS, because she is down with the kids and goes to gigs and everything.
21.45 Outstanding Achievement Award. Brace yourself for Oasis being arrogant arseholes. Russell takes the piss out of Noel going to Downing Street back in the day That's kind of brave...I wonder how they are going to react to La Brand. Russ makes up for the piss taking with five minutes of arse licking. 'They write poetry for football fans' a.k.a boorish idiots like themselves. Big hugs all round, so I guess Noel isn't in a fighting mood. Liam says something rude but very quickly so god knows what it was. Oooh he's so hard. Time for the 'glorious loveable hooligans' to perform.
Actually, much as they are a coiterie of wankers, watching them perform is a slightly nostalgic experience. Shot of the audience suggests that most of them were still in nappies twelve years ago. Momentary sound fuck up seems to throw everyone, but Noel and Co snarl through it, ignoring worried looking other guitarist guy. Shot of Fratelli singer looking really bored. Shot of Chad from RHCP doing an appreciative head nod. Sound a bit buggered again.
They then perform a song which might be new because I don't know it. Oh god, I hope not...a britpop revival is years away, we need to get through new rave, new funk and new pop first. It's about 1991 in terms of revival years so far.
Shot of Corrine Bailey Ray looking smashed and singing along. I wonder if Liam straightens his hair. I bet he does, it is worryingly like mine, sideburns aside.
Well, that's it...I'm going to switch over to Never Mind the Buzzcocks which is truly ace now Amstell has stepped into the realm, and drag the flatemate away from her notes on spacial motion art colour blending blahblahblah