Saturday, 19 January 2008

Dip Me in Crazy and Throw me to the Scientologists!

Going on from my earlier post (and last Scientology one for a while I promise) here is a list of some of the questions they apparently ask you during your 'auditing session', which you have to do when you decide to join the Church (you fucking moron, you!) They record all your answers, but for what other reason other than later blackmail, I know not.

Oh, to lighten proceedings and because I am bored, I have included my own hi-larious answers.

Have you ever enslaved a population?
I do own a hamster who is kept in a cage, but there is only one of him and he's always asleep anyway, so it's not exactly slavery per se

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?

I have some Indian rupees, and it is apparently illegal to take them out the country, but as far as I know that's only lead to the economic downfall of the Jaipour region

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

No no, I always get my man

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

Only in the heat of the moment

• Have you ever been a professional critic?

Well my heart's not in it, I'm paying the price of living life to the limit. Cauuuught in the Century's anxiety.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?

The Moths, the Flying-Ants...oh god I just thought of a really rude joke involving male bodily fluids which will not be expanded upon.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?

No! Yes! No! What did Tom Cruise put for this one? Is it a dealbreaker if I say no?

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

No. I got rid of that heedious Ikea flowered duvet ages ago

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

Yes. Pluto. Damn. You got me, you and you trip-me-up questions

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?

A lady never tells.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?

I once tried to watch a pirate copy of Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, but the camcorder fell off the cinema seat at one point and a piece of popcorn on the arm rest loomed large like a dead fly in every shot so I gave up.

• Have you ever been a pimp?

Yes, but it was not a successful venture. There is not a large market for dead girls, as I bet you can attest to, looking back at people's answers to the question before last.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?

Only by accident. Steve gave me this hotdog and was like 'Man you gotta try this hotdog. It's amazing!' so I was like 'okay sure.' so I tried the hotdog and Steve is there grinning at me the whole time so I'm like 'Hey Steve? What's up with you bro?' and he's like 'Dude! That wasn't a hotdog, that was my finger in a bun! Psyche!' And then he like holds up his hand and there's this bloody stump where his middle finger should be and I'm like 'Aww dude! You totally got me that time bro!

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

Well I constantly pick my fingers, which is the equivalent of Kate Moss compulsively scratching her face if you ask me.

• Have you given robots a bad name?

Love? Yes. Robots? No. Not unless you count my phone which I call a 'stupid piece of crap' every so often

• Have you ever set a booby trap?

Yes, I'm using new bait and these extra fine wires, so I expect a bumper haul of boobies this season

• Have you driven anyone insane?

No, as I am unable to park I have not been able to pass my driving test, and so the chance to go to france and plunge myself, my friends and a rental car into a river has not arisen.

• Is anybody looking for you?

Lionel Ritchie. Oh no wait, it's him I'm looking for. You can see it in my eyes.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?


• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?


• Have you ever smothered a baby?

In a delicious honey and soy marinade, overnight before barbequeing. Mwah!

• Have you ever castrated anyone?

No, but I like to think that after the glory of me, a man could never ever get aroused by anyone else, which is really the same thing. If it were true.

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?

I deserve this chance more than anybody. I've come on such a personal journey during this survey, ever since my nan stubbed her toe last year I have been in a turmoil, and it has taken this opportunity, this survey, to make me realise that I want this more than anything I've wanted ever before.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

If you asked me, I'd do it all again.. je regrette rien!

• Have you ever zapped anyone?

Define 'zap'. Is it a synonym for 'slowly but repeatedly poked in the eye with a tube of Pringles'? Then no.


Anonymous said...

Is that serious? Are they actually questions?

Anonymous said...

Danny by the way!