Tuesday, 12 February 2008

I Like My Celebrities Next to Increasily Irrelevent Stock Photos

So Holymoly is no longer showing photos shot by paparazzi while they actually physically chase celebrities. Good, says I.
Mr Holymoly's point (for those of ye who have not wasted your morning piddling around the guardian website) was that several celebrities - most notably Britney Spears and the Winehouse - have been completely hounded to the point of madness by the paps, and that we should not encourage this.

I agree with him on sentiment, but it has to be said.... Britney is a flipping retarded bi polar taste vaccum who doesn't take her meds and does nothing but drive around LA baiting the paps, and Amy, well, up to a week ago she was a smackhead who staggered around the streets of London covered in nothing but a bra and scabs in the middle of winter. Now I might be unduly cynical, but it wasn't actually the paparazzi who caused either of these (literal) walking disasters so much as their dodgy drug pushing fame hungry boyfriends.

But then if the boyfriends-cum-managers-cum-scum are the tapeworm felling the camels, the paps are still the vultures that hover around the moribund beasts looking for opportunity, and that can obviously never be condoned. For every 'meh' photo of some famous brat getting into a car or walking down a street that you look at for 0.0000032 seconds before scrolling down/turning the page, there is some loser who stood around in the cold for hours waiting to take it. Not to mention when in the case of Amy it is more like: 'ooh look she's covered in blood, this pic will be worth hundreds. Maybe thousands if I trip her up!'
How utterly shitty, scummy, boring and pathetic.

Heeh I say this, and I will blatantly have a child who grows up to be a pap. Mind you (if we think along such karmic lines) I am either going to have a child who is a pap, a Scientologist or a singing Turkey puppet from Ireland, and frankly I think I might as well buy a copy of L Ron's autobiography now, as at least that way I won't be jailed for infanticide*.
So yeah, I have decided: The Speeches of Biches is also going to be completely pap free from now on. *cough*notthatitwasn'tbefore*cough*
I do have to point out this is not just because of the above moral wibbles, the amount of boring photos of Britney in shite clothes buying a Starbucks has diluted the usually ace outputs of gossip sites like Dlisted and Perezhilton. A fat retard with cold sores buying a coffee is not so much news as something I can see outside Oxford Circus tube at any time of the day, and if I went to Camden I could get both that and a smackhead rockabilly staggering around in bloodied ballet pumps for my tube fare.

Likewise and less specifically, photos of pissed off people getting into cars are incredibly boring unless you happen to be a fan of the rear interiors of posh vehicles, or perhaps like looking at slightly crossed eyed drunk people on their way home, in which case there is always Carcraft and The N134 bus respectively.

So in conclusion: Pap shots are like porn bought out of someone's car boot round the back of the pub - utterly dull, bad quality, explotative, lining the pockets of scumheads AND makes you feel slightly grubby. Best to stay in the warm, spend your pennies on beer then go home to watch Hollyoaks in the City**

*The Biche would like to attest she is not some mad harpy desperate for a chile***, but she did see AM's scan of her baby boy this morning so got a bit gooey.
** The Biche has never watched a full episode of Hollyoaks in the City. Or bought porn from a pub carpark incidentally...
*** thats 'chile' pronounced 'chyel' oh ye who would dare accuse me of spelling mistakes or for longing after a south american country

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