Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Natasha Bedingfield = Loon

I find Natasha Bedingfield a bit like a jewellery stall at Spitalfields Market - on the outset she seems all fun and sparkly; nice blonde lady singing catchy pop hits that do incredibly well in America etc, but when you actually look at her it's all rubbish tat which is overpriced and breaks after one wear (okay, similie slightly fell apart there..much like my earrings from said market!)

Firstly there is the fact she has large rolling eyes, horse teeth and is a mad Christian who spent her formative years banging a tambourine next to her equally mad Christian brother Daniel as they sang gospel to pissed off latchkey kids in council estates. Whilst I can't really claim to dislike her for this reason (she can't help her face and I'm sure the parents were behind the patronising of disatisfied youth) it does make me a little less enamoured of her...but mainly because I am a fascist atheist who will be smoted and brimstoned and whatever come the day of judgement. My bad.

Secondly, there is the way she has fantastic pop songs marred by the lyrics which appeal to the lowest common denominator of thick braying females, never destined to widen the gene pool because they are too neurotic. Observe:

First single: Single. 'I'm single woooah right now, that's how I wanna be'
So far so Pink, this is quite a fun song to sing in your bedroom when you are getting ready to go out, although never to be sung aloud to outside of said walls, because it is much like singing along to 'You and Your Hand' by Pink; all men will run miles away from you as you angrily stomp around like a bacardi breezer fuelled man-hating dinosaur. You will then wonder why no one is hitting on you and go home and cry to 'All By Myself' just like Bridget Jones taught you.
On a personal level it annoys me because I don't mind being single but do mind being cast into the same catagory as said militant delusionists; I am happy single, but would probably be equally happy not single. No need for an anthem.
Surely the point of being an independant woman is that you don't need to go around shouting at men how you are SINGLE WOOOAH every two seconds because it is evident and accepted and fine.

Second single: These Words. 'From my heart flows IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!!!!!'
A bit of a change of direction for Ms B, she has gone from Pink-lite to sounding as terribly insecure and needy as most people who sing 'Single' really are. It also sounds a bit like having a seizure in Clinton Cards.

Third single: Unwritten
'Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open , today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
It might be just me, but this conjours up the image of Ms B standing in Clinton Cards (again), eyes closed in rapture and arms wide open, serenely pissing herself all over the 'Congratualtions on your Exam Results' card section.
In any case, it's rather annoying as I do quite like the sound of this song, but the godawful gospel-lite claptrap lyrics make me feel a little bit dirty, half through the thought of Natasha wetting herself and half because they are far too Oprah for my delicately cynical sensibilites. They have now predictably used this song in a shampoo advert, presumerbly because washing your hair is EMPOWERING and INSPIRATIONAL not just something you do to stop you STINKING of last nights fags and looking like a DECOMPOSING POTPLANT.

Fourth Single: I Bruise Easily.
' I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me, there's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree'
I can sympathise with Natasha here, as I too do bruise easily, but fortunately I have the presence of mind to not go out with people who carve hearts and 'R.G 4 E.B 4 EVAH TRU'. into me.*

*Well, once, but it was only a short alliance and I was only left with 'SPURS F.C carved into my left hip and a rope swing hanging off one shoulder.

Fith Single: I Wanna Have Your Babies'
Well actually I haven't heard it enough to quote but My God! No wonder the girl is single! I mean, I am not an expert by any means, but either singing about how men can bugger off, how you lovelovelovelovelove them, sprouting a load of gospel-bobbins, comparing yourself to a tree or saying you want their babies is not exactly the techniques the Sex and the City girls would use. Or any sentient being come to that.
'I want your babies'? God I don't think I would say that to my husband of ten years if I had one for fear of being immediately stared at, edged away from, divorced, buried up to my neck in sand and pelted with stones by my entire shamed family.... unless he had a packet of jelly babies, which could in fact be what the song is about for all I know.

In Conclusion: Don't listen to Natasha Bedingfield outside the privacy of your own bedroom, never listen to the lyrics and DO NOT follow her dating advice.

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