Chris Moyles, the Curse of the Lazy

So some sort of poll or other is in and the Chris Moyles Show on Radio 1 gets more listeners than ever. And, it has to be shamefully admitted, the Biche is one of them.

I used to listen to Chris when he did the afternoon show. In retrospect I can't quite remember why, as these days getting home from work (or school as it was then) means practically falling straight into the fridge with arms and mouth wide open before even taking my coat off, followed by a long sit on the sofa in front of various Hollyoaks on various varieties of channel 4. Oh yes, it is a life of hedionism indeed.

But anyway, I digress. The Chris Moyles show used to be quite funny. IT DID! Never laugh out loud, but it might make you do that thing where you snuff a little air our your nose, such as you might get when you see a dog dressed up as a robot.

Now? It seems to soully exist of Chris playing sound effects again and again while his team of sycophants laugh their heads off. Dear god! It is the aural equivalent of banging your head against a wall! Or rather listening to someone banging their head against a wall while being cheered on by morons. What irks the most is that you know that Chris gets money every time he plays the stupid bloody jingle, as he owns the jingle company*

But for all the hideous annoyance of hearing an unneccesarily long jingle five times in a row, I time dragging my corpse out of bed by the 8am news, even though it is talked over by Chris and always with an unneccesarily long sport news section.

And I reckon this is the crux of the problem. Who can be arsed to retune their radio at 8am? It's one of those groundhog day stresses like 'oh GOD I need to buy some more forks' or 'FUCK, no showergel'

Every day you will curse yourself as you eat pasta with a spoon, abuse your eardrums and smell of Pantene from head to toe, but once that hideous little episode is over it will flee your brain so rapidly that even when you stand still and think 'now what was it I needed to do?' half an hour later, you will not remember.

So basically, I can't really insult Chris and co for being lazy, unimaginative and incredibly repetitive. I am all three too...between the hours of 7pm and 8am at least, or midnight and about 11am if the pub intervenes.

*or something like that. Something scandalous that no one seems to care about and I can't be fagged to find a link to prove.

Speaking of a Lack of Dignity....

Who the hell would wear this T shirt from Zara? Maybe the same woman I wrote about two posts ago, if the designer vagina recliner is too much of a subtle hint..

Designer Vagina Recliner

Parents coming round for tea? Thinking they are starting to question whether Rico the 20 year old hairdressing apprentice is really your lodger? In your one bed loft apartment just off Soho Square? With your pet dog, who inexplicably has a nametag saying 'Dolly' when his name is Rover?

Well this is then this is the sofa for you! Nothing screams 'I am a heterosexual man! God I love doing it, doing it with women!' more than a giant pink vagina sofa.. why you are loving women every time you sit down!

Also suggested for women who are fed up with 20 years of boob grab, roll, shove, shove, shove, sigh, roll, snore from their husbands, or anyone who is old enough to buy a sofa but still calls their vagina a 'noo noo' or 'foo foo' or 'front bottom'

Chinese New Year Themed Pathetic News Stories of The Day

A rat was given the kiss of life by an animal-loving policeman.
The poorly rodent was spotted by PC Adam Westall while on his beat.
'It ran out in front of me and stopped and looked up at me with its beady eyes,' PC Westall said.

'I cocooned him in my hands and he gave a shudder and fell unconscious. I tried to revive him by blowing into his whiskered nose and rubbing his belly.'

The rat did came round and he took it to a pet store in Clacton, Essex, but sadly it later died.

The Metro

AND

THE RSPCA is appealing for information after a collapsed and dying pet rat was abandoned in Somerset.
The white male rat, which was in a very poor condition, was found by a member of public in a cage on a wall in South Street, Yeovil on the morning of Friday 25 May. The member of public took the animal to a nearby shop, who in turn alerted the RSPCA.
The RSPCA collected the animal and rushed him to a local vet, where it was decided that he would not recover and so he was put to sleep to end his suffering. The male rat was dying from the result of an untreated viral problem and had probably been suffering from diarrhoea and been in a poor condition for a number of days.

RSPCA newsletter

I have no idea who this woman is, but she pops up if you put 'sad rat' into google images and it made me chortle

"I say Roger, shall we petition after tea?"

This morning I receieved an email asking me to sign an official government endorsed petition for an extra bank holiday in November - 'Rememberance Monday' if you will.

I actually thought it was quite a good idea, partially because I am lazy and wish to suppliment my 'massive' 24 days holiday allowance, and partially because I think it is a good idea.

By sheer co-incidence I happened to be reading Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks around November last year, and by another possibly less coincidence lead action I was severely hungover on Rememberance Sunday, so ended up watching an entire day of themed programmes on TV.

This lead me to several conclusions: mainly that people today don't know they are born, also that much as I oppose the current wars in the Middle East, the British troops who are out there being maimed and abused for very little pay should be given more respect, and finally that more should be done to remember those who died horrible unneccesary deaths.

But anyway. If you even faintly agree with me on the above, or are more likely already planning a little November city break, the petition you can sign is HERE

On a lighthearted note, I had a noodle around the petitions website, and found some fantastic little causes...

Ban Paracetamol Completely

Force all Buildings to turn off lights at night

Honour Shakin' Stevens

Scrap 'The Thought For The Day' programme on Radio 4

Now bear in mind, the above have actually been approved for petition... for some strange reason the below list was denied:

• Give Freedom to Tooting


• Stop Torturing Me by the Electromagnetic Microwave Weapon


• Have A Sponsored Pole Vaulting Festival
  
• Ban Broccoli as an Edible Foodstuff and Reclassify it as a Toxic Substance


• Persuade Graham Coxon to Rejoin Blur


• Send James Hedley to Outer Mongolia Until He Has Recovered from the Plague

I love it, the mere action of petitioning - let alone all the petitions above - from the pedantic to the pisstake are SO British it makes me a little warm inside.

The Speeches of Biches - Heartily Not Endorsing Adele

In a shock move that departs from every single other outlet that could even possibly call itself 'media', The Speeches of Biches has decided not to endorse Adele as The Next Big Thing and Our Lord and Saviour. Chasing Pavements is an overblown crash of a meaningless song, and she looks like the bastard child of Moomintroll and Little My.

However it is not all subversion and Finnish cartoons here at Speeches HQ. I am most heartily and in a flag waving fashion 'bigging up' Ready for The Floor by Hot Chip...


I have to admit the lead singer reminds me a little bit too much (in real life, not in this vid particularly) of one of those humanities students who go out of their way to be fucking wacky all the time... like wandering into a conversation and going 'hey guys! I was thinking, would you rather live in a bouncy castle or on a cloud?' and then the one friend you have who is a bit that way inclined but you tolerate it because they are otherwise cool, will go 'Oh man I would have a cloud called Cloudopolis and it would thunder purple when I fart and I would rain cheese all over your Bouncy Cottage' and they would then start a four hour dialogue about utter bullshit while you grind your teeth and wish for a falling bit of overhead masonry.

But the guitarist looks like Boris Becker so I forgive them.

Photo of the Day - Mao Please!

- Darling, what shall we name our new restaurant?

- I know! Why don't we name it after the man generally credited with causing the largest famine in human history?

*pause*

- Will there be an exclaimation mark for comic effect?