My First Dictionary

...is a brilliant little blog. It's greatness is it's simplicity, so rather than ramble on about it at length, here is a couple of extracts plus a link. www.myfirstdictionary.blogspot.com. DO IT


p.s the blogger who made this also has another blog called Musty Moments, which I have added to the ole HOT LINKZZZ and would recommend a gander at.

A heartwarming image for a cold Wednesday evening

Here is P Diddy treading in a poo.

Pretty much sums up East London...

'If you're not from Hackney stop begging and go back to your own ends. We have no use for you'

'Yes you do, you could mug us or something'

Looks like a case for Detective Barnaby!

In the midst of a humanitarian crisis in the Gaza and an ecenomic recession in the UK, the Guardian comes over all Midsomer Murders.

Oh, and this is quite funny too but I nicked it off YepYep.

The Henrietta Barnett School for Girls, Wizards.

Yes, I was one. (not that I really shout it from the rooftops unless trying to win an argument with someone usually of a male, middle age and patronising persuasion). Unsurprisingly some of my friends are ones too. Yesterday, my friend Ms G commented that whilst bored at work, she had googled our old alma mater and was confused because on Wikipedia under 'famous alummni' it included someone we vaguely knew as 'groupie extrordinare'.

Today, while bored at home - well, watching Hollyoaks omnibus but whatevs - I did the same, and this is what I found... (click to make bigger):
Yes, that's right, Ms G, graduate of 'one of the top academic schools in the country' noticed Robin Driscoll, but failed to see that "The school uses a system much like that in operation at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where only the smartest can see the school buildings. This is why some candidates cannot find the school when arriving for entrance examinations."

I do like the basically accurate zing 'The school was judged by The Times newspaper to rank 1st and 2nd best achieving state school according to GCSE^[3] and A Level^[4] results, respectively (thanks to a combination of the girls' natural intelligence and intensive tuition to make up for lack of teaching)' but I feel I must state that this was Nothing To Do With Me as I would have done it a lot better.

Person of the Day - My Friend Bee

The News Feed on Facebook is a nice-if-inane way to drip away your time - oh look! Dave Roberts is tired! There is a whole album of group photos of Lorraine Smith and some other people I don't know looking pissed and pulling the same two faces! Blah and Blah are attending PUT A CANDLE IN UR WIDOW 4 BABY P ad nausum.

Well anyway, occasionally you get a little semi private gem from someone's life that makes you snort in laughter and then have to pretend you sneezed instead because you're meant to be fannying around with that spreadsheet:


That this girl is a potential paramore, only makes it all the better!

I'm surprised the Daily Mail hasn't got hold of this one yet...

Gordon Brown is starring in a film made by lefty euro foreigners!!1! As a terrorist!!!!!1!1! A GERMAN terrorist!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!1!!!!!1

Even tho it aint him it lookz liek him n dat is sik enuff. I fink e shud resine now.


*..or maybe they have, lord knows I don't want to sully my internet search history and check.

Amazon Have Got Me Sussed

Following on from their previous recommendation, which made me out to be a bit of a psycho nut, this presumerbly narrows my profile down to 'psycho Shepherd nut'. Once again, I am slightly peeved that they decline to recommend things similar to the obscure documentaries or interesting novels I usually buy, but instead focus on one dvd I bought my gran for Christmas two years ago.

High Wycombe - Where 'It' certainly is at

From the town's (population 92,300 located west-north-west of London...whatever the hell that means) Wikipedia entry:

"The university students union has seen many celebrities from The Killers, to several Big Brother stars to Vernon Kaye and former England Volleyball player Paul Galbraith.

The pub the White Horse appeared on 'Britain's toughest pubs'. They include free strip shows during the day. There is also a nightclub called the Blue Room in the suburb of Hazlemere."

I know, I know, THE Paul Galbraith, the man, the myth the legend...well certainly the myth, as although I have found him mentioned on at least three sites about High Wycombe, he does not appear to exist anywhere else (unless he also moonlights as a Scottish classical guitarist of some repute). Please attempt to prove me wrong, to think I am the only person who has ever wasted their life typing 'Paul Galbraith volleyball england' into Google is eminently depressing.

Well in any case his sexily elusive celebrity status still shits all over 'Mornonic Ken doll with Extra chewing gums for teefs' Vernon Kay and 'I look like Biche's friend Ben but, like, retarded' Brandon Flowers.

Incidentally, here is the Mayor of High Wycombe. Sexy beehatch has my haircut and taste for delicate refined jewellery.

As the De Menezes Inquiry rumbles on, now with added 'Fuck You'!

I really hope this is real and not a photoshop, because if it is, it's just about the best thing* ever.

UPDATE

I thought this pic was so brilliant I sent it to the equally brilliant Copyranter blog. It was posted on Animal NY along with this additional pic I took, to prove the caption was true:

Someone put this comment:

Why didn't they use the same poster image when they chopped those pictures?

Not only do they make themselves look stupid, they've made you look like a bit of an idiot too for falling for it.

Very bad taste. :(

Posted by John October 2, 2008 4:26 AM

Naturally, being the massive pedant that I am, this massively pissed me off. Yes okay, I should have corrected Copyranter when he accreditted the first pic to me (I never said I took it) and I should have noticed that the poster at Finsbury Park is in a different format but STILL.

So I took action.

Firstly, I wasted an entire lunchtime travelling down to Stockwell to look for the poster. Typically, it is no longer there, but I did speak to a man putting up new posters who confirmed that the poster had been up, but then got all afraid and aggressive when I asked him if I could film him saying so. (Shocking, I know... thank god I'm blonde and act like a moron. If I was Muslim I would be f**ked)

Anyway, so being me I wrote a pedantically moronic comment in response, whilst still realising I did not quite have enough ammo for a full FUCK YOU. Until this morning, when sadly gazing out the window of the tube in a small gap framed by some guy's armpit and a goth's wet hair, I saw something that made me audibly go 'yesssssssss' into the sodden dyed black locks.

So this evening, whilst being very aware that I was once again acting in a vaguely suspiscious manner - but trying to allay my fears by reasoning that no one would mistake someone carrying a cartoon themed umbrella and listening to Britney Spears as a terrorist - I got off a stop early, fannied around and managed to take these beauties:

And, to show the angle on the origional pic is possible:

John? FUCK YOU.

Incidentally, you might see that someone has drawn a speech bubble coming out of Pacino's mouth. It says 'These guys are so old'. Jokes!

Yours,
A. Pedant


*'best' in it's awestriking bumclenching awfulness

Conning the Conners

I do not like con artists. Aside from the obvious fact that 'The Real Hustle' takes up far too much BBC3 airtime, the whole tricky dicky element irks me - if you're going to be a tea leaf you might as well take MIA's stance and '*click, lock* take ya money' and not fanny around like a street magician.

Anyway, I was just chatting with my friend Ms W, who, dispite being an intern, sleeping in her clothes on people's sofas, living off a diet of fags, Red Bull and mini picnic eggs, is for some reason still called a 'glamourous blonde', and she had this tale of urban trickery to tell:

"So I was like queuing up to buy a can of coke for my breakfast and just after I put my PIN in the machine the guy behind me starts tapping me on the shoulder. I had my ipod on high and obviously wasn't really with it, but then I see he's pointing to a five pound note on the floor to my left. It's not mine, but because he obviously thinks it is, I think 'sod it' and reach over to grab it. When I turn back my card had been stolen from the machine! The guy must have got my PIN over my shoulder and then deliberately distracted me so he could nick my card!"

Me - "That's terrible!"

"Ha, not at ALL! I have LITERALLY no money in my bank and wasn't even sure if the can of coke would go through, so I just went 'sweet!' bought a twenty pack of fags, got a free can of coke and went to work feeling incredibly happy."

And the moral of that story, dear tea leafs, is do not attempt to scam glamourous blondes... or at least not ones who are attempting to buy a can of coke on a card at 8am with eyes the size of saucers and Chromeo blaring out their headphones at inhumanly loud levels. Not because these people are clearly wonderful (although they are - unless you late for work and stuck in the queue behind them) but because they are clearly skint as hell and you would literally be better off stealing candy from a baby.

Baiting the 'Conservative Mothers Against Sarah Palin' Facebook Group

Because it's as easy peasy lemon squeezy and I like my friends on Facebook telling me I'm funny, like..

Mind you, given the actual true viewpoints of real, living, voting people out there it is also massively depressing.

Guardian Jobs - Something for Everyone

Not so much 'Daddy or chips?' as 'sitting in an over air conditioned open plan new build in a Humber retail park...

Incidentally, possible kudos to the Granuaid (although I have a feeling it may have been accidental) for giving an aesexual man in a story about having a happy sexless marraige the pseudonymmed surname 'Cox'.

For the Bain Marie of my Life

You might remember my earlier post, about the frankly fantastic Doreen personalised tea coaster I found in Weston Super Mare.

Well, as I found out at Longleat Safari Park, it is not just Doreens the world over who have been faintly insulted via the medium of small bits of cork you put on the table to stop stains. Observe:

This range of coasters truly are designed for passive agressive husbands to bring back for their wives after a stolen weekend with the secretary in some seedy location.

Possible future gems:

Maud from the Italian meaning 'ugly'. She is nice and cheerful. She is friendly and fun.

June from the Sanskrit for 'frigid'. She is proper and just. She is a good mother.

Eileen from the Norse meaning 'stupid twat'. She is lovely and forgiving. And makes nice food.

Madge Vadge!

From Racked.com, this poor Warner Bros prole turned up to her office one morning to discover she now works in one of the most overexposed, hard working Vajayays in pop.

And it also happens to be an incredibly tenuous excuse for me to post this clip of the Day Today (see last 2 seconds of clip)

(rather hefty) Eurovision Blog 2008!

8.00 - 'You know Sex and the City is on at ten' says R. I hope this does not set the tone for the evening.

'...FOUR episodes back to back!'

Even worse, I have forgotten my glasses so will have to rely slightly on R to work out what the hell is going on.

8.01 - A 'Harry Potter gone wrong' lesbian [edit: kudos to Ginger for that one] and another dressed in loo roll kick off the show. Some very impressively dressed dancers placicate R and she skips off to get wine, admitting that 'it is a bit shit to sit watching Eurovision drinking tea'

ROMANIA - The black, the white and the dull. 'It's like Celene Dion and Peeboo Bryson' says R in a cultural reference that leaves me stumped. Even a key change can't change this emotive mess.

UK - Oh wow it's like D Reem or.... 'Hot Chocolate' never happened. I point out that R is only saying this because both Andy and Errol are somewhat of a type. Well anyway, it's very mid 90's disco, from the music to the stage, which looks like the woman from Deelite's dress. Go Andy!

ALBANIA - Another ballad is leaving us somewhat stumped. Where are the dancing smurfs, fake blood and funkysexydiscobeats? I try and blag to R that I knew all along that Belgrade is a city in Serbia and not a country in it's own right.

GERMANY - They have ripped the beat from What You Waiting For? by Gwen Stefani, but frankly it's not a ballad so I am inclined to be forgiving. The four girls also look like trannies wrapped in curtains which is slightly amusing.

8.24 - Terry is wittering on like a man who hit the Baileys at about 4pm. Can you get drunk on Baileys? Discuss.

ARMENIA - I once used to fancy someone from Armenia. True story. The Armenian entry is a sophisticated mix of lyrical mastery and musical complexity. Not true story. 'Instead of wanting me, you should be reaching me, come on Kelle, Kelle, Kelle' (repeat 10x) and some pan pipes if we insist on being factual.

BOSNIA - This is more like it! Four brides, two grown people dressed as children and washing line of knickers as a prop. Mental song but we get distracted as I realise the childwoman looks a leeetle bit like my flatmate and then R asks me why Bosnia is called BosniaandHerzogovina and I don't have a clue even though my Dad worked in foreign news and spent six months in Bosnia back when shiz was going down.

Oh bugger, it appears I have missed some gems from the Englishly challenged host while musing on the past. 'Belgrade is captial of world tonite!' is the gist of it

ISRAEL - It sounds very...Israeli. I thought Dana International wrote this, so am expecting some sort of kitschness but it's just ballad so far. Ooh a troupe of street gays have tromped on stage. Oh, but only to sing back up. And to do some lame hopping on the spot. Huh.

Terry Wogan tells us to press the red button for some reason and R willingly obliges. The screen goes blue and I shriek.

FINLAND - Never one to give up a winning formula, Pantera-lite have taken to the stage. HOOO HAAA! (the chorus I think) R comments that all rock men have really crap long hair: 'I mean, if you're going to have long tresses at least get some Frizz Eze'. It's pretty loud and epic, but we are distracted by the cat chasing its tail out on the patio.

CROATIA - Here come the Men in Hats/Middle aged fat benders/Here come the Men in Hats/They won't let you remember. And I thought I would never be able to describe Croatians through the medium of a Will Smith parody. This is a proud day for me. For some inexplicable reason R declares this her favourite.

POLAND - The Polish entry looks like Aishlyne from Big Brother crossed with an easter egg. 'She's singing in English but I still don't know what she's saying' R comes out with one of the most common comments on Eurovision. 'It raises your pocket' 'You found my heart and I'm milking a swollen kite' is what I make out.

ICELAND - Techno techno techno! Iceland also sticks with its not quite so winning formula of gay trance. 'THIS IS MY LIFE!' Oh god it's absolutely brilliant, it's been on for thirty seconds and we can already sing along. Even the cat swinging from the patio umbrella cannot distract from this superpop euro anthem. I imagine it will get quite high votes from the UK.

TURKEY - They have instuments so are working on a slight Finland flex, but are more like Placebo, if Placebo sang in Turkish and had a lead singer that resembled Sylar from Heroes. It's passionate songs like this that almost wish I knew what on earth they were banging on about.

PORTUGAL - R is loving Terry Wogan, aside from red button bidding she just chuckled aloud at his quip about the - shall we say rotund? - Portugese entry. I'm finding he's a bit rambly this year but eh, I haven't had as much wine as R yet.

Oh, the Portugese entry is blah.

LATVIA - Pirates! Techno beats! People who don't seem to quite know the English lyrics they are singing. Actually most of this song goes 'Hi hi ho hi hi hey, we're hoisting the flag to be free....' so I guess it doesn't really matter. 'Does Latvia even have a coastline?' R quibbles, but then joins in merrily with the chorus.

SWEDEN - 'I think she's a drag queen' 'nah she sounds female' 'no look at her leg muscles. Women don't have legs like that.... oh wait, maybe she is female' This is the inane conversation that accompanies this rather inane song which is apparently a favourite. She does look hella creepy in the facial area, that much is true.

9.10 - Oh god now I actually chuckled at Wogan. No, I snorted, even worse. R is trilling 'All Night Long' by Lionel Richie. It would appear the wine has gone headwards.

DENMARK - Denmark entry thinks he's quite cool, and actually, with his flatcap, braces and funky tattoo, I guess he is a bit more 'street' that some, but he's still singing 'if you life like a sad song maybe, you should try to celebrate it/ All night long!'

R astutely points out the whole song is a mix of Lionel and that 'Celebrate good times c'mon! ' 70's funk hell of a track. So not cool in the slightest.

GEORGIA - This woman had better be blind as there is no excuse for wearing Jewish Mum sunglasses onstage. Mind you, broken corneas would explain her 'portly edward scissorhands' outfit.

9.16 - R has tottered off to make noodles and even I am getting a tad bored and wonder how many more there are to come. There had better be some crazy shit going down next.

UKRAINE - It's pretty good, but another case of foxy sequinned lady flanked by dancing men in black make it a bit forgettable dispite the good hook. She sings about her heart being 'burning' though, which makes me think of Rennies.

9.26 - The Eurovision trophy looks like a glass sweetcorn cob.

FRANCE - Sebastian Teller. I've heard of him! All the backing singers have beards and it has an amazing 70's aesthetic which... ' looks a bit cool for Eurovision' R neatly sums it up as she potters back in with her noodles.

AZERBAIJAHN - 'NOT in Europe!' shrieks R and I have taken a dislike as I have no idea how to spell Azerbi...etc. Oh, but they do have a castrato angel and some madass Goths, so very much Fit In. Huh the goth has now done a superfast costume change and is now an angel too. 'You like this?' R is incredulous. '..he sings very high' is my lame justification, but I fear they may have my vote.

GREECE - It follows the formula as the Ukraine. But not as good. 'Why do people think that is a sexy dance?' asks R, in the face of multiple pelvic spasms.

SPAIN - The irony that has finally spread through France has not quite reached Spain it would seem...it's reasonably funny and has robot dancing, a plastic guitar and the words 'cheeki cheeki'. Maybe it's just too late in the show. An hour ago I would have been all over this shit. People are booing though! That's a bit harsh. It kicked Greece's sorry thrusting arse.

SERBIA - boring.

RUSSIA - 'I be standing straw like a tree of wee' Oh dear, working out the lyrics never gets old. Neither does dressing in white, wearing bead chokers and clenching your fists apparently. Oh but the man who looks like a bank manager enterprative dancing/twatting around like a flailing idiot raises the game. And the fit fist clencher just tore his shirt off, which is nice.

NORWAY - FINAL SONG! Oh good o, I am a bit hungry. Hope this post isn't too long and rambling. I'll add in pics and edit and stuff when I get back to work on Tues. 'You might be saying ooooh! I don't wanna be lonely' trills the Norwegian Mariah Carey. 'Yes.' says R with suprising sincereity.

Right, time for a break. Oh no, they've brought on 'Serbian Basketball Legend' Vlad Devotch. Now break.

UPDATE: So Russia won, the UK did pretty crap and now everyone will hark on about political voting, eastern europe blah blah blah. Snore. Maybe if the UK actually entered something we do comparatively well - like R&B pop - and didn't just do either anthems or kitsch, and maybe if anyone in the UK gave two shits about Eurovision BEFORE the results were in, then we would do well.

Marauding Young Seabirds

See items 2 and 4 from the BBC's top news stories. Either it is a very slow day or the pelicans have finally hit puberty and have started to hang around in gangs, causing trouble. Why by tomorrow they might be throwing chips at Grannies down the arcade..

Edit: They are now the top two items of news! The Burmese Government and the murderer of that 16 year old boy WILL be happy..

RAMBOOOOOOOOOO

Interesting fact: Steven Berkoff only took the role in Rambo II because when his agent told him about it over the phone he misheard and thought it was a biography of the 19th Century poet.

Crap Graffitti 4 Evah

I do love it, it's so pathetically British it makes me proud.

Amusing Headlines

Giant Bee Attacks Three - my brother told me this 1.25 inch terror. I guess it is from some local Nottingham rag. If anyone now nicks this headline as a band name I WILL expect royalties.

Mile High Mandy got Randy on Brandy - my personal favorite, it was from the Sun when some woman shagged a stranger on a BA flight.

'118 Wife' to Run Marathon - This exclusive from the Hornsey Journal revealed that the wife of one of the men in the 118 advert was running the London Marathon. She confirmed that although he was supporting her, he was not going to turn up in costume to do so.

Between a Rock and a Beard Face - apparently the Sun's take on the Northern Rock Crisis, when Brandson was considering buying it.

Wham Bam Flash in the Pan - George Michael gets arrested for exposing his bits in a public loo

Chuck a Khan - Hugh Grant splits with Jemima Khan